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Nothing Ever Goes As Planned

by CrossroadsPony

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4

Lightning Crashes

“I dunno, Simmons. They're Blue. Do they need a reason to be weird?”

The maroon-furred chupadore shot a sour look over his shoulder before glancing back down at the partially-dissembled assault rifle in his lap. “I guess. That doesn't really explain why the one with the bell is playing poker with a squirrel.” Private First Class Richard Simmons grumbled and searched around himself with his free hand while peering across the sandy expanse to watch the distant but very assuredly bizarre antics of the rival soldier.

“Oh, do you mean...uh...what's his name...Caboose? Why didn't you say so.” He paused, using a single claw to flip the page of the magazine he held against his reclined leg armor. “There is something severely wrong with that guy. I mean, beyond being a dirty, stinking Blue, as your fearless captain would say.” The paunchy leporidae tilted his head slightly at the dust-covered centerfold, Private Dexter Grif easily ignoring the additional dirty look from his equus companion.

“Okay, first of all, Grif, he's a sergeant, not a captain.” Simmons dropped the battle rifle into his lap and then twisted at the torso to jab a claw in the other male's direction.” And second, he's OUR sergeant, not just mine. He probably wouldn't hate you so much if you actually showed him the respect he deserves. And last, will you hand me the needle-nose so I can fix this thing finally?” He gestured impatiently with an open palm while grabbing the rifle again to prop it against his chest.

“Sarge doesn't need my respect. He's got yours. And your dignity. And your balls.” Grif lazily reached into the toolbox at his side, fishing around blindly as he added, “Also, you didn't say the magic word, Simmons. You know that common courtesy is the only thing that separates us from those damn, dirty Blues.”

Simmons rolled his eyes before dropping his head and sighing loudly. “Grif, will you PLEASE give me the pliers.”

“See, that wasn't so hard, was it?” The orange-hued male slapped a metal tool into Simmons's hand before flicking the page of his magazine again.

Simmons grumbled again before reaching into the exposed chamber with the pliers...only to realize he was uselessly jamming a pair of calipers into the debris-filled space. “God...DAMMIT, Grif! I said I needed the NEEDLE-NOSE PLIERS, not a--”

A sudden crackle filled the air, effectively cutting off the chupadore's rant. The hot canyon atmosphere seemed to dim for a moment before an eerie green light spilled over the two shi'a males. Grif slowly lowered the worn issue of Tail & Tits, eyes widening as a roughly oval-shaped ring fizzled into reality. “Uh...Simmons...what did you do...”

His red-furred companion was already scrambling to his feet, struggling to shove a clip into the half-assembled battle rifle. “Grif! Pick up your fucking gun! What if it's the Blues?” His voice came out strangled as he fumbled to load the first round, only for the shell to jam in the still-dirtied chamber. “Shit!”

“YOU have my gun, Simmons,” Grif replied churlishly even as he tossed the magazine aside and nervously shifted to bring his legs beneath himself. Kneeling, he grabbed the other battle rifle propped against the low concrete wall before staring up stupidly as a new voice pierced through the swirling vortex of energy. Both chupadores leveled their rifles, Simmons gritting his teeth tensely while Grif glanced over his shoulder as if already desperately planning a swan-dive from the top of the base.

“--don't want to hear your horseshit about coordinates.” A slender leg emerged from the viridescent portal, covered in a tattered beige fabric that ended a few inches above a – is that a hoof? Simmons blinked stupidly as the rest of the figure strode out, immediately confused by what he saw before him. A stained overcoat hung loosely around a frame that could only be described as equine, but certainly not any variety of chupadore species. “Your one goddamn job is picking somewhere that doesn't have a fucking pack of armed goons chasing us and--”

Simmons's voice cracked as he yelled with what authority he could muster, interrupting the horse-like male. “What...what the fuck ARE you??”

A pair of cool silver eyes shifted to the maroon chupadore before settling on the battle rifle leveled at his chest. He reached behind his ear for a bent cigarette, brushing back a messy mane of deep blue before placing the thin cylinder in his maw. “And you drop us right in the middle of a fucking army base?”

“A-are you Blue? Don't move!” Simmons shouted, thrusting the tip of the assault rifle forward.

“Well, Simmons, his hair is blue, so I'd say, he's a fucking Blue!” Grif retorted sarcastically, though his shift to a full upright stance did plenty to reveal his nervousness. But before Simmons could screech a response, the second figure slipped out from the crackling ring before it dissipated behind his enormous frame.

While the first creature stood at maybe five feet tall, his companion's height towered somewhere above eight feet, and was the furthest thing from a horse-like species in his appearance. His head was reptilian, looking vaguely like some mythical dragon, complete with a scaled maw lined with spikes along the lower jaw. His amber irises bore down into the two soldiers with a mostly tired expression as a long tail flicked irritably behind him. The last few feet of the long appendage split into two, each ending in a long, cruel spine. He wore a battered three-piece suit and a pair of pinstriped pants that had been torn unceremoniously at the bottom above his large clawed feet.

Apparently undeterred by the twitching rifles pointed in their direction, the enormous reptile rubbed at one of the four thick spikes curving out from behind his skull. “Now look here, YOU were the furious little spitfire that shouted so rudely to go as – and allow me to recreate this moment properly – 'as fucking far as fucking possible' from our acquaintances from the west.”

Both Simmons and Grif blinked in confusion as the tiny equine stomped a hoof and jabbed his unlit cigarette at the reptile's chest. “Listen, Dusey, I just open the goddamn door, you're the fucking navigator and you should KNOW better than to take me at --”

“Goddammit, I asked who the hell you guys are!” Simmons all-but-screamed, taking a step forward with his rifle as he slipped a claw into the trigger ring instinctively. The smaller stranger narrowed his eyes and reached for the front of his coat, which prompted Simmons to immediately yank back on the trigger.

The partially-dissembled rifle only clacked once, emitting a dusty puff from the chamber before a spring exploded from the side of the gun that was followed closely by several more unsecured pieces. “Shit!” he cried out as Grif turned toward him with an insult ready to fly, shifting his own gun away from the two strangers.

The silver eyes of the smaller male flashed as he thrust his free hand into his overcoat and spun toward the maroon chupadore, producing a gleaming handgun in a blur of movement. Simmons's eyes widened in shock as the first deafening blast cut through the dry canyon air, stumbling back from the impact against his chest. For a moment, only muted silence filled their ears until the echo of the shot rolled across the roof of the base to wash across them once again.

“S-Simmons?” Grif stammered, expressing genuine concern for a moment as he stared at his blanched companion's face. The equus's horrified eyes slowly shifted down to his dented chest armor, his battle rifle clattering to the cement as he clutched at himself...only to stupidly pull his hand back with a crumpled bullet clutched between his trembling claws.

“Well, shit,” the short stranger remarked with a scowl, putting the cigarette back into his maw before strafing the smoking tip of the scuffed handgun to the side, proceeding to unload the rest of his magazine into Simmons's chest plate over the terrified shouts of the red-furred chupadore. Each shot struck him like a prizefighter's punch, forcing him to stumble back until he tripped over his own paws and crashed onto his back with a gasping wheeze.

After six more shots, the pistol finally fell silent with its slide locked in the open position. An uneasy silence filled the air once more as the small-statured male wrinkled his muzzle before finally producing a dented metal lighter to flick into life against the tip of his cigarette. “What a mature and level-headed response, little one. It would appear that their armor is superior to your ammunition,” the enormous reptile commented dryly, earning a dark glare from his smaller cohort. “But surely I am just an ignorant jackass, as you are so fond of reminding me. Why, I am absolutely positive that if you were to try again, at least one shot would hit something.”

Grif could only stare dumbly between his groaning companion and the two strangers, licking his lips once before blurting, “Um, Simmons, are you dead?”

Simmons grit his teeth as he rolled his head back and then hissed, “No...I'm not about you SHOOT them, Grif??”

“Oh. Right.” The orange leporidae cleared his throat as the pair of strange males regarded him mildly. “You guys are dicks, like the Blues are. So I guess that makes you Blues. So now I'm gonna shoot you.” The horse-like creature frowned darkly even as he drew deeply on the glowing cigarette. His reptilian companion tensed and took a step forward, prompting Grif to twitch and jerk the rifle toward him before yanking back on the trigger on wild instinct.

The resulting dry snick made the scaled beast flinch, while his tiny partner only cocked his head slightly. Grif's eyes widened stupidly as he pulled the trigger several more times, each one making the battle rifle click uselessly. The periwinkle-coated male barked out a laugh, nearly losing his cigarette as he lunged forward and snatched the gun from the chupa's hands with little resistance.

Grif watched blankly as the slender male turned the weapon over in his nimble hands– he had four fingers and a thumb, but he had no visible claws on any of the digits – before successfully finding the magazine release. He plucked the clip out deftly and glanced at it before snorting in amusement. “You meatball, this isn't even loaded!”

From the ground, Simmons groaned loudly as he slapped his forehead. “ only!?”

Grif idly put both hands in the air with a shrug. “I really wish you'd let me know when you give me new jobs. It's hard to ignore them when you don't.” He turned his attention back to the smaller of the two strangers, who was still examining the rifle closely. “You know, you probably should have aimed for his head.”

He earned a scowl from the short one while the muscular reptile rolled his eyes and crossed his arms, apparently no longer concerned about an attack from the two soldiers. “Fuck you, Grif,” Simmons wheezed from his sprawled out position on the concrete. “This hurts like a bitch...”

“Yeah, well. You got shot like a bitch,” Grif supplied, only to wince and lean back slightly when his own rifle was pointed back at him. “Look, whatever you guys want...uh, you picked like. The worst possible place to get it. This base sucks. This canyon sucks. Everything here sucks.”

The equine exhaled a plume of smoke to the side before he suddenly paled, his stony exterior faltering. His eyes bulged as he took an unsteady step. He held out the empty battle rifle and it was grabbed without a word by the towering reptile, who sighed and slid backward smoothly as the small male stumbled past him to retch violently over the side of the base roof.

“Dude, that's gross!” Grif exclaimed, scooting away from the vomiting stranger. Simmons grimaced and looked away but otherwise remained on his back as he regarded the glowering lizard-like creature standing over them both. “Is he gonna...get us sick or something?” the pudgy chupadore asked, paling slightly and staring down at his grounded companion. “Simmons, you're a nerd – are we gonna get alien flu or some shit??”

Simmons groaned but couldn't muster a response over his own confusion, covering his eyes with a hand and mumbling incoherently. The muscular reptile regarded the two furred soldiers for a moment before shifting his gaze to the panting equine. “We are not...visitors from space, if that is what you imply.”

“Not so sure about that, Dusey,” Graceful interrupted, tilting his head back as he stared up, taking notice of the strip of blue-and-green earth that stretched into the sky to arc past his visual horizon. “This ain't Kansas. Or even a goddamn planet like ours...”

“--Nor will you contract any sort of sickness from this foul-mouthed cretin, at least not of the variety you imagine,” the draconic creature continued dryly. “Graceful Melody, I warned you not to fill your lungs with that toxin after transportation. You are not yet suited to initiate such a lengthy jump, your body requires recovery.”

Graceful Melody rolled his eyes, sitting back on his knees and wiping his muzzle. But his response was cut short as a concerned voice called up ahead of the sound of trotting claws. “Guys, I heard shots! Are you oka-- OH MY GOSH!”

Graceful found himself staring down at a gasping face looking up at him from the sloping ramp that led to the open roof.  The two males regarded each other for a moment, the nauseated creature attempting to register what he saw before him. A tangle of blond bangs and spikes atop a light-red hide met his blank expression and he leaned back slightly. “Oooh, what are you!? You are just so adorable, like a cute little horse, I could just hop on you and ride you all day! Look at all the pretty piercings you have, your ears and your mouth are so shiny!”

The equine blinked slowly, studying the newcomer for a moment. He was slender, almost feminine in his stature, his hands on his hips as his long tail flicked behind him. The same blond-colored fur upon his head formed a tuft at the end of the appendage although by far the most eye-catching part of this soldier was his armor. The other two were covered in the same shade of deep red but this one's was... “Pink.”

The lithe male wrinkled his muzzle and stomped a clawed paw in protest. “It's lightish-red! And it just happens to accentuate my hide perfectly!”

“Donut...have you even SEEN the giant lizard thing?” Grif finally sputtered, gesturing wildly at the looming reptile. The aforementioned giant lizard thing idly shifted Grif's battle rifle into a ready position with one hand before resting it against his shoulder, watching with mild amusement as Private Frank Donut slowly drew his eyes over his enormous figure. His muzzle dropped and, apparently uninterested in using the pistol holstered at his side, the less-than-red soldier opted to instead release a high-pitched scream before whipping around and racing back down the ramp to disappear into the base.

Simmons and Grif both blinked stupidly and the maroon soldier groaned as he crossed his arms over his face. “Goddammit, Donut...we're all gonna fucking die!”

“Oh, would you ease up?” Graceful snapped, giving the two soldiers a sour look as they leaned away from him and back toward the somehow-less-imposing reptile. “We ain't here to kill you. But try not to make it so goddamn tempting! If I wanted ya dead, it wouldn't be no goddamn debate!”

Simmons scowled, jabbing at his dented chest armor. “You...SHOT me! Like six times! You could have killed me!”

“Seven times,” Graceful Melody responded mildly before standing up slowly and brushing off his tattered coat. “One in the chamber. Unlike your piece, which had none in the chamber. Dumbass.” He picked up his still-smoldering cigarette from the concrete, brushing at it absently before poking it back into his muzzle and motioning to his lizard-like companion. “Gimme that. And watch your ass, Red. Ain't got no armor on that pretty face of yours and I know not to aim for the chest anymore.”

Grif cleared his throat loudly as Simmons spluttered and paled slightly. “ you ARE Blue?”

“I believe my egregious little friend calls this shade 'periwinkle',” the reptilian creature replied, handing the rifle back to Graceful. “Much as I would personally call you 'maroon', or perhaps 'burgundy.'”

“Oh, yes, Burgundy suits you much better, Simmons,” the orange male quickly added, grinning toothily. “I think we'll call you Burgundy from now on.”

“Shut up, Grif.” The wiry chupadore looked warily at the equine once more as he finally sat up, poking at the deep crease in his chestplate once more. “If you aren't Red, and if you aren't Blue, then either you're from the Church, or a damn Freelancer. Unless...” He trailed off as the two strangers fixed him with stony but somewhat curious expressions. “'re really not from...uh...” Simmons gestured around himself, ignoring Grif's eye-roll as he finished awkwardly, “from...from”

“That's very perceptive of you, pal. No, we ain't...Blue, and we definitely ain't no clergymen, either.” Graceful snorted. “Clearly we went further than I expected. Thanks to this numbskull who apparently couldn't follow a goddamn map if it stripped down and drew an arrow pointin' to its gut-wrench.”

The muscular reptile blushed slightly despite his best efforts. “There is not exactly a map that can assist with navigating the various folds of space and time!” he snapped. “Perhaps YOU put too much energy into your channeling? Overcompensating, as you do with ALL things?” The two glared at each other dangerously, Graceful's fingers gripping tightly into the synthetic body of the battle rifle before the equine finally gnashed his teeth together and thrust the weapon toward the paunchy soldier.

Grif awkwardly accepted it into his claws, holding it almost gingerly as he direly wanted to avoid triggering a reaction that would lead to his own impacted chest armor. But the slender stranger only turned away to gaze across the sandy box canyon, smoking silently for a moment. Grif and Simmons glanced between themselves before the maroon-furred chupadore carefully knelt and then pushed himself to his feet. “So...uh...who the hell are you guys?”

Graceful tapped the ash from his cigarette, swaying slightly on his hooves as the silence drifted between the four. As the two soldiers exchanged another confused look, the short male finally shrugged and waved absently toward his companion. “Amdusias, try not to put them to sleep.”

The reptilian creature sighed dramatically. “I am not some paid narrator who can be summoned to provide exposition at the drop of a hat.” When this earned a dark glare from his small companion, Amdusias pursed his lips and then turned toward the confused soldiers. “This will be difficult to explain, mostly because I do not yet know the extent of your world's...knowledge. To be honest, at this juncture, I am not even certain if our origin and your home share the same dimensional reference points.” He paused, looking somewhat sour as the orange soldier before him raised a hand. “What is it?”

“Is this gonna take long? Because this seems like it's gonna take long. And I need to not stand here in the sun because that sucks enough doing it every day with this guy.” He jerked a thumb at Simmons, who rolled his eyes and then apparently felt confident enough to begin picking up all the scattered pieces of the rifle he'd been cleaning.

“Oh, very well, boorish cretins,” Amdusias grumbled. “The three of us--”

“Three?!” Simmons yelped as he stumbled back to flop unceremoniously on his haunches. “There are MORE of you?”

Graceful snickered to himself as his scaled partner groaned. “I have completely forgotten about Riffraff. Graceful Melody, you cannot leave him in the rift forever. He will begin to degrade. Eventually. I...think.”

“Oh, blow it out your ass, Dusey.” The equine turned back to the chupadores, tossing the smoldering cigarette down and grinding it out with a chipped hoof. “That asshole had it coming. Besides, I'm sure our new friends will find him. They seem strangely competent.” As Simmons opened his muzzle with what was no doubt another horrified inquiry, Graceful cut him off. “Shut it. I'm talkin'. Look, your fat friend ain't wrong, it's hot and I'm already sweating like a whore in church. Here's the long and short of it. Yes, I'm a horse. Pony, whatever. He's a demon.”

“Fallen angel,” Amdusias interjected shortly, crossing his arms as his tail flicked irritably.

“Who became a fucking demon,” Graceful retorted. “Our acquaintance who you ain't currently seein' here is also a horse.”

“Pony,” Amdusias mumbled.

“Fuck off. I'm tired, these guys clearly ain't seen horses on two legs and they probably ain't ever seen a demon, so no point picking through the goddamn silt! I'm Graceful Melody – give me shit about it, I'll knock your teeth out – and the demon is Amdusias.” He paused, closing his eyes for a moment before calmly brushing his deep-blue mane back and dropping to his knees to vomit over the edge of the roof again.

The muscular reptile dropped all semblance of a cold exterior as he quickly approached the hunched pony, placing a hand supportively on his back. “Graceful Melody, you require rest...”

The two chupadores shifted uncomfortably, glancing at each other again. “Uh, Simmons? Maybe we should. Run away and lock ourselves inside while they're distracted? And maybe they'll just disappear into a green magic circle thingy again?” Grif whispered loudly.

Simmons looked torn, obviously curious about the two now that they were no longer attempting to pump bullets into him. The two strangers were exchanging a few low whispers as Graceful attempted to shove the fallen angel away. Now that  their backs were exposed, Simmons noted several more curved spikes jutting through the reptile's clothing. Demon really does seem to be a more appropriate term...never seen anything like him before...

“Well, maybe they...aren't so bad, Grif. I mean, they're not Blue, and they aren't trying to kill us, so maybe we should go call Sarge and let him and then maybe see if they'll help us out if we let them rest. It's not you can deny how interesting it would be to get to know ACTUAL visitors from, or...dimension, even?”

An increasingly excited Simmons looked at Grif to gauge his response...only to scowl grumpily as he realized his orange companion had already disappeared from the roof. “Goddammit, Grif.” He licked his lips and fidgeted on his clawed feet for a moment before finally sighing and making his way to the ramp as well. He gave one more glance over his shoulder to the strangers, but they were still hunched together with little regard to the world around them. “Guess I'll call Sarge...”


Amdusias helped Graceful stand up after he'd gotten the worst out of his system, keeping a firm but comforting hand on the pony's slender shoulder. “Where'd the two fuzzy things go?” he mumbled. “And why am I this goddamn blown, Dusey? Ain't ever been this bad after a jump...”

“They appear to have retreated into the reinforced abode below. I am having a difficult time reading them, although I suppose this should not be a surprise. I believe we have inadvertently crossed a dimensional barrier.” The scaled creature automatically leaned back to avoid a weak slap from his companion, grabbing his wrist gently. “Calm yourself. We were in a mild state of panic at the moment of the jump, despite preparation. We both made a mistake. However, we are not dead, nor have we yet been slaughtered by the local fauna.”

“Not for lack of trying,” Graceful responded dryly with a grimace. “Still. Guess you ain't wrong. Don't make me feel much better. Any readings on this world? And if Riff's alive?” A note of concern slipped into the pony's words at the last inquiry, though Amdusias dutifully ignored it.

“This is...a strange world. It appears to be a giant...well. Ring.” Graceful tilted his head up again to gaze in dizzy wonder at the unnatural shape of the planet...if it can even be called that...that they'd dropped into. A nauseous expression crossed his features and Amdusias immediately grimaced and pulled his companion's muzzle back down. “You are still not well enough to fill your meager cranial space with the geometry of this strange world,” the demon murmured, though his condescending words were betrayed with a caring undertone. “Fear not. Riffraff is fine. I suppose I must applaud your perception, regardless of whether or not you actually sensed it. The signatures of those abominable lupines have crossed with that of your hapless...chippie.”

Graceful Melody snorted laughter despite himself, immediately regretting it with a wheeze. “Shaddup, Dusey. That boy's just a glutton for punishment, is all. Can't count the number of times I told him to fuck off...”

“About as many times as you have stumbled into his home, bleeding or inebriated and demanding unspeakable acts of intimacy,” Amdusias replied, almost kindly. “Come now. We need to coerce our way into this strange structure so you might rest and adjust to this reality.” He sniffed the air for a moment. “Your mortal body is likely in need of acclimation. The quality of the atmosphere is surprisingly better than that of our previous location.”

“Fantastic. So they haven't fucked themselves over by destroying their own planet yet. How fortunate indeed,” the pony growled as he allowed himself to be led to the ramp to descend from the hot concrete roof. “Gonna be real pissed if we landed not only in a warzone, but one where my iron don't mean shit. Ain't used to that, Dusey. Don't like it when I can't shoot a motherfucker and watch him go down.”

“I know, little one,” the reptile murmured reassuringly, though not without a hint of wry amusement. “I am quite sure if it was not for that infernal armored plating, you absolutely would have...what is the parlance you prefer? 'Murdered the shit out of him'?”

“Yeah, close enough,” Graceful Melody chuckled as they came to the bottom of the ramp, turning around to examine the cylindrical structure from the ground level. It appeared perfectly round, at least from this vantage point. The pony noted what appeared to be an unguarded entrance into the inner area, which had neither door nor any kind of visible barrier at all, really. Weird, if this is actually some kind of base or outpost... The dull grey concrete building was situated at the far end of a box canyon with a flooring consisting of mostly sand and cracked clay, though green vegetation sprouted through the dry soil to form small patches of grass dotted by the occasional shrub, tree and bunch of wildflowers. In the distance, Graceful was pretty certain he could identify another squat cylindrical building, which made him wonder if it that was the home of the “Blues” as which they'd be mistakenly identified. His tired gaze also noted a denser glen of leafy trees and brush along one long side of the natural depression.

“Enough surveying the land,” Amdusias chided softly as he held one hand out to the sour-faced equine. “It would appear this...'base' truly has no means of preventing entry. I do not sense anything invisible to the eye, either. It would seem that one could simply...stroll in. How queer.”

“Queer indeed. Ain't in the mood to argue, so yeah, go. Stick your ugly face in, see if anyone tries to blow it off. If you die, I'm gonna go drag my ass to the shade and either pass out or join you in whatever makes for an afterlife around here.” Graceful half-dropped, half-leaned against the warm concrete surface while waving an arm out ahead of himself.

“Take off that ridiculous coat, that may help with the heat,” Amdusias suggested mildly. “Do not wander off and do not perish. I will be extremely disappointed.” Graceful only grunted in response, crossing his arms  and dropping his chin against his chest. “Yes, yes, childish cricket. I will attempt to secure lodging. And sustenance. I tend to forget your kind requires this.” Graceful glanced up long enough to gesture rudely with one hand, which was enough to earn a slight smile from the demon before he took a slow breath and wandered into the concrete structure.


“...dammit, he's not answering...” Simmons grit his teeth and began to punch in the contact number a third time.

“Didn't you say he was on his way here, anyway? And besides, what about Sarge makes you think he'd do anything to make this any better?” Grif sat across from the maroon chupadore in the war room, straddling a chair backward with his crossed arms resting along the back. “Sarge is like you, but worse. He's less of a nerd, and more of a 'shoot first, shoot now, shoot later, shoot the questions' kind of guy. And I dunno about you, but I don't wanna get shot again.”

“You didn't GET shot, Grif! I did!” The equus male tapped a claw impatiently against the wall as the video communication feed crackled static for a third time.

“Uh, so...did that dragon eat that cute pony?” Donut asked as he clutched nervously into a teacup. “Did you summon them with your Dungeon S&M book? Are they gone now?”

“Donut. I don't...even want to. Just shut up,” Simmons grumbled, rolling his eyes as Grif grinned behind him. “And stop talking about Sarge like that, there's a reason he's our leader.”

“Yeah, they sent the most useless sergeant to the most useless outpost. That's no mystery.”

“Goddammit, Grif! I--” Simmons broke off as a bored face filled the communication screen, a drab red canis chupadore answering in monotone.

“This is Red Command. What is it, Timae Outpost?”

“, nothing! Just trying to reach our CO, Red Command!”

“Is there some kind of emergency?” the operator asked drolly. “This line is for dispatching orders and reporting emergencies. And I would gather by the fact you are the only outpost in the Timae region that you cannot have much of an emergency.”

“That's...correct! Of course, and we are so sorry to bother you! We'll get right back to our posts, no need to report any of this to anyone, I--” The screen fizzled out, the operator breaking the feed with an indifferent shrug before Simmons could finish. He sighed and tapped the END button resignedly, turning around with a mopey expression.

“Aw, don't cry, Burgundy. You shoulda just told Command all about your problems, I bet they would totally understand, and maybe they'd even send you a special helper to get you on your way!” Grif flashed a toothy smirk.

“Eat a dick, Grif,” the maroon chupadore muttered. “Look, I don't think it would be in our best interest to go spouting about...aliens or something like that to Command. It's not like the last Freelancer was any help. She was...scary. I don't want them sending another one...”

“Oh no, no, please not another one, she was dreadful!” Donut exclaimed after a sip from his tea before setting down the cup to hug himself for a moment. “ you think they're gone? Maybe we should go look?”

“I sure as shit ain't doin' it. Burgundy is the ranking officer, he should go see, that would be the responsible thing to do. Sarge might even give you a medal!”

Simmons scowled. “Stop calling me that, asshole. Look, maybe they'll just...go away or something. Besides, I...”

“THE DRAGON!” Donut suddenly squealed, taking a step back as Amdusias's tall frame stooped into the entrance of the war room. The demon frowned slightly and raised a hand to interrupt, but Grif shouted frantically before he could speak.

“Donut, he's here for your tea, SHOOT HIM!”

Amdusias blinked stupidly as the pink-armored male widened his eyes and, in an unexpectedly dexterous show of reaction, yanked the pistol from his hip to jerk it into a ready position. “No wait--!” Simmons yelled, lunging toward the feminine chupadore as his thumb clicked off the safety with a surprising familiarity before Donut unloaded three quick shots of the magnum at the demon's center of mass.

The deafening reports crashed through the concrete-walled room as all three chupadores flinched and yelled incoherently while the reptile only snarled and threw his hands up instinctively. A fourth sharp sound filled the base as a faint amber energy gleamed in front of the supernatural entity. His clawed hands flexed slightly and, as Simmons struggled to regain his composure, he could see three intact slugs hovering in front on the demon. They were covered with the same pale yellow glow, trembling slightly in the translucent grip of the creature's powers before they clinked to the floor softly.

The chupadores' jaws all dropped as Amdusias gasped and then immediately clutched the doorway for support as his entire body slumped. “Please refrain from shooting me. My companion is going to be very upset by that. And I am only here to request...a very brief...sojourn...” The reptile's words trailed off, his arm hanging limp.

“Holy shit, Donut. I think you killed him,” Grif remarked dumbly as the demon cursed weakly, only for his eyes to roll back into his head before his muscular frame crashed to the ground with a dull thud. “That little pony-thing is gonna murder you!”


Perfect Strangers

“...did you hear that? Sounded like shots...”

“You're the one with the scope, dumbass. Why don't you look?”

A light-blue chupadore glanced down at his weapon before wrinkling his muzzle in distaste. “Fuck that, they're probably just trying to get our attention. And I have enough of a headache without having to hear the nerd's voice.”

A few moments of silence passed between them before: “'re pretty sure she's dead?”

“Goddammit, Tucker, of course she's dead, she got blown up.” The larger male made a face as he fidgeted with the enormous sniper rifle in his lap before rubbing self-consciously at the white bandaging beneath his shirt.

His companion, a scrawnier turquoise-coated shi'a currently sprawled out on his back, shrugged and raised a hand as if to make a point. “But we didn't check. We dragged your fat ass back here after you tried to eat me 'n Caboose. Again. Maybe she's still alive.”

Private Leo Church scowled and poked once at his wrapped wound once more. “You forgot the part where she shot me. With a shotgun. And I'm pretty sure no one wants to eat either of you. You're a skinny bitch, and Caboose is probably...contagious.” He grumbled before glancing over his shoulder. His fellow Blue soldier was lounging behind him, idly scratching himself while staring up listlessly into the sky. Their third compatriot was somewhere downstairs, likely playing childish games with the feral rabbit-like creature he'd befriended.

“Yeah, well, you're stupid,” retorted Private First Class Lavernius Tucker as he lifted a middle finger, waving the clawed digit blindly at the other chupadore. “Anyway, maybe it's worth going back to check out. What if she like...crawls away and gets another shotgun? You'll feel stupider than you already are if you get shot again.”

“Why the hell are you so determined to go back there?” Church mumbled, lifting the sniper rifle to peer through the scope. “What, you think you're actually gonna get some if she's still alive?”

“Hell no! That bitch was crazy. You don't dip into crazy.”

The taller chupa snorted amusedly. “Bullshit, Tucker. Bull. Shit. If went went back there and you found her crazy ass even lukewarm, I bet you'd at least cop a feel.”

“You sayin' you wouldn't?” Tucker shot back, lacing his fingers behind his head.

“You're sick.”

“Hey, man, dead ain't the same as crazy.”

Church climbed to his feet, using the long rifle to push himself up with a grimace. “No, you're right. Dead is dead. That's even worrrr--” He trailed off as a crackle of electricity disrupted the air a few feet in front of him, blinking stupidly at the sudden appearance of the sparking substance. “Uhhh...”

“Uh, are you stroking out, dude? Because, bow-chicka-bow-wow aside, my medical knowledge ends at taping up fucking shotgun holes.”

Before Church could reply, the small arc of white energy expanded rapidly to form a tall arch that appeared to be the entrance to some sort of...tunnel? Church stared at what he could only mentally describe as a portal, jaw slack as a shiver of nausea raced down to his stomach at the incomprehensible sight. From the side, there was nothing behind the crackling electricity, but looking directly into the arch revealed a passage lined with twisting colors and impossible shapes, and he was so nearly overwhelmed by the unnatural phenomenon that he almost didn't hear the sound of voices trailing out from the rift in reality.

“...tell you this thing would work? Ha! You owe me dinner, sweetie.”

The tall chupadore watched numbly as a white-furred paw was shoved out into the open air as if testing it. Behind him, Tucker called out to him in a lazy drawl that he barely registered. “Dude? Did you just call me 'sweetie'? The fuck?!”

Church's eyes widened as the owner of the paw appeared at the entrance a moment later, the slender figure holding a glowing chunk of rock with a pleased expression. A second voice drifted out from behind the furry male's face, lower in pitch and decidedly grumpier. “I don't owe you shit. You still don't know where the fuck we are. And what about that goddamn horse that fell through the goddamn...magical tunnel, huh? The fuck was THAT?”

As his eyes slowly traced the canine-like creature, Church realized that whatever it was suddenly locking eyes with him from the strange, floating wasn't a chupadore. “I'm sure he'll be fine,” the creature responded to his still-unrevealed partner, while keeping a curious eye on the wide-eyed soldier. “Well. I can say for certain, wherever we are, we ain't alone.”

With that, the short-statured male hopped down to the surface of the roof and gave a friendly wave as he pocketed the gleaming object. “Hi, there!” Church worked his jaw stupidly, clutching tightly into his sniper rifle as his instincts screamed at him to react.

Behind him, Tucker finally glanced over his own body at the sounds of the strange voices before he gave a yell of surprise. “What the fuck?!”

“What do you mean, 'ain't alone'? Did we...oh.” The second voice belonged to a larger, more-masculine variation of the first creature as his taller frame crowded the portal next, squinting down at the confused chupadores. “Uh...” He hesitantly lowered a paw to the roof from the portal even as he nervously moved one hand to his side, reaching behind him to produce a sawn-off shotgun. “Mahihko...”

“Gun!” Church yelled out of impulse more than anything else as the smaller wolf-like creature cocked his head before glancing over his shoulder at his partner and then rolling his eyes. But the husky blue soldier had already jerked his sniper rifle up to a ready position as he leveled it at the two. “Die, you...monsters!” He winced when the butt of the enormous gun shoved into his injured shoulder, but grit his teeth and pulled the trigger regardless.

The two alien creatures both flinched as the smaller one in front bent his knees slightly as if attempting to react in time. The tremendous report from the rifle shook the air around them as the massive round blasted out of the oversized barrel only a meter or so from the creature's face. A moment passed as both strangers wrinkled their muzzles before the shorter one of the two blinked and poked the vapor trail left by the stray round, several inches to the side of their bodies. “Um...” But before he could speak, Church yelled incoherently and pulled the trigger three more times.

All three rounds went wide, leaving the two canine-like creatures awkwardly surrounded by thin vapor trails. With a bemused expression, the one in front cleared his throat and leaned forward to offer politely: “Maybe the scope needs to be adjusted? Also, uh...did you actually say 'die, you monsters'?”

Tucker groaned and stepped forward while unholstering his pistol. “Holy fuck, dude, you SUCK. I got this!” In response, the shotgun-wielding alien growled and lunged past his companion, raising the shortened weapon as the turquoise soldier took aim at the charging stranger with his magnum. But before any more shots could be fired, the feminine lupine hopped quickly to the side before leaping with surprising speed toward his partner's back.

“Look out, hot potato!” he yelled cheerfully, shoving his paws firmly into the larger creature's back before kicking off his muscular frame to neatly somersault through the air. The unexpected maneuver shoved his companion forward, causing him to stumble and consequently tackle Tucker to the ground, the colliding males both shouting in surprise as their guns clattered away from them. They were left in an awkward tangle on the hard surface of the roof as the grinning, turtleneck-sporting creature landed neatly in front of Church, looking exceptionally pleased with himself at preventing any gunshot wounds.

The chupadore stared down at him speechlessly, and then finally attempted to reload his rifle as the feminine male groaned and rolled his eyes. “Seriously?” He slid forward and simply reached up to slap the clip out of Church's grip, leaving the soldier stupefied. “No. We're not bad guys!” He glanced past the gaping fi'la to see Tucker wrestling uselessly with his partner, the much-heavier creature pinning the slender chupadore with only mild effort. “Lone! Don't hurt the little guy, he was just...trying to shoot you.”

“Yes! He was just TRYING TO SHOOT ME!” he yelled back in a strangled tone, but he eventually scowled and released Tucker's wrists, raising his arms up in a peaceful gesture and sitting up on the armored soldier's waist. “Okay, okay. Fine.”

“Good. Now, let's try this--”

“Church! Tucker! Are you having tea without me again?!?” The voice belonged to a third chupadore soldier, deep blue in color and sporting a tuft of brown fur on his head as his head poked up from the stairs leading to the roof. He had a pout etched on his features, which became a gasp when he jabbed a clawed finger at Tucker, and the strange creature straddling his torso. “Tucker! You never want to wrestle with me and now I find you wrestling with a doggy! Why do you hate me so much, Tucker!”

“Goddammit, Caboose! Get back inside!” Tucker yelled back before shoving at the grumbling male still sitting on his waist. “And you, get off my junk!”

“Well, I think introductions are in order, now that no one's trying to kill anyone else,” the slender alien interjected with a bright, toothy smile. “I'm Mahihko! The big guy over there is Lone!” As Church stared down at the canine-like male with a still very-much-confused expression, a faint scream became audible from the crackling portal that had yet to close. The one named Mahihko twisted his head to look over his shoulder before side-stepping smoothly as the screaming grew louder before the creature it belonged to was ejected forcefully from the archway. Its body shot through where Mahihko's head was a moment ago, crashing into the roof past Church and rolling a few times before unceremoniously skidding to a stop just in front of Caboose's muzzle. The portal snapped shut with a final burst of electricity, making Mahihko wince slightly before he cleared his throat awkwardly. “And uh. That guy is um., what the hell is your name again?”

“Horsey!” Caboose interrupted delightedly, hopping back and forth on the stairs as he reached out to pet the dazed creature's face. The third alien did indeed look like a feral equine, from his long snout to the hooves that ended his powerful legs. He lifted his head groggily to look around before collapsing with a groan as he rubbed slowly at his features.

“Uh, yes. Yes, that is Horsey,” Mahihko concluded with a sage nod. “And we...have no idea where the fuck we are.”

“You're still on my junk!” Tucker shouted indignantly with a furious gesture to the lupine straddling him. “Church, who the fuck are these guys?”

“How the fuck should I know?” Church shot back, rubbing at his shoulder with a grimace.

As Lone awkwardly climbed to his paws and stepped over Tucker to retrieve his scattered weapon, the prone chupadore slowly sat up and then shrugged. “Because you're a goddamn werewolf? I dunno, I figured maybe you'd know more about weird shit than we do.”

“Hey! I know lots of weird things!” Caboose interrupted. “I know that Tucker likes to talk to his invisible friends in the shower, and he tells them to talk about his--”

Tucker's eyes widened and he waved his arms frantically. “Caboose! Shut the fuck up!”

The dark blue chupa pouted while the dazed equine sprawled in front of him slowly pushed himself to his knees, looking around with visible confusion. “Who...where...are we? What are you?” Caboose instantly perked up, saluting sharply as the horse leaned back slightly with a frown.

“My name is Michael J. Caboose!” declared the soldier as the bell around his neck jingled once with his sudden jerk to attention. “And I. Hate. Babies!”

The equine blinked up at the tall chupadore, rendered speechless as the other two blue-armored soldiers sighed and shook their heads slowly. “Uh. Hi, Michael J. Caboose. Can...I call you Michael?”

“No, because that would be confusing as fuck,” Tucker replied sourly, rolling over once and snagging his pistol. He gave the rearmed stranger a distrustful expression before hesitantly holstering his weapon. “You point that thing at me again and I'll shoot you in the face. I'm really tired of having guns pointed at me.”

“You're in the fucking army, Tucker. You can't NOT have guns pointed at you,” Church grumbled before he rolled his eyes and leaned on the heavy sniper rifle. “The short, stupid one is Tucker. The...special one is Caboose, and I'm Church.” He drew his eyes over the three strangers, settling first on the smallest of the trio. Mahihko noticed his scrutinizing expression almost immediately and the slender male quickly spun around to face him with a provocative grin.

He stood somewhere around five and a half feet tall and was covered in mostly white fur, except for the tips of his ears and his lower neck and upper chest. He had every appearance of a feral canine, from his pointed muzzle to the bushy tail that flicked behind him. Several silver rings laced through his ears and his lower jaw was dotted with a melange of the same silver rings, alternated with studs of identical material. His feminine frame was covered with a slim-fitting turtleneck, sleeves rolled up to his elbows. An exceptionally snug pair of pants hugged his legs, though they were dotted with several pockets and pouches, and Church could just make out a black bandolier stretched across the fabric of the ebony top. “So...Mahihko, right? Where...are you from?”

“And why shouldn't we shoot you ALL in the face?” added Tucker with a scowl, standing up and brushing his leg armor off. “Are you...some kind of experimental Freelancers or some shit?”

The taller lupine finally slid his short shotgun into the holster on his back as he turned around to first shrug apologetically at Tucker, then looked to Church. “Whatever Mahihko would reply with is probably gonna make shit even more confusing, so let's start with the most obvious thing. I got a feeling this...isn't just a different planet, but...likely a whole different...universe or dimension or something, offense, but I've seen most of the remote corners of my planet, and I ain't never seen somethin' like...well, like you three.”

“Church says I am very special, so there is only one Caboose, and it is me,” the dark-blue chupa replied firmly.

Church sighed and rubbed slowly at his muzzle before nodding once and looking the larger wolf over. Lone was about a foot taller than the other lupine, and had a more masculine frame in general. He wore a simple t-shirt with two leather shoulder holsters crisscrossing his chest and the handles of two handguns were visible in either one. His third holster was apparently attached to his belt, as the sawn-off shotgun was not visible to Church from the front. His worn blue jeans were simple and a single utility pack was cinched around one thigh. Compared to the smaller wolf, his body seemed mostly unadorned, with only a single silver ring visible in his ear. His grey eyes locked with Church's after a moment and the two looked awkwardly away from each other as they realized they'd been sizing each other up silently. “, then I guess it's safe to say you're not”

“Can someone please tell us where here actually is?” the third stranger complained as he sat up, apparently too dazed to attempt standing. “Also, how the hell did I end up coming through the hole YOU two made? Where's Graceful and Amdusias?”

“Oh, fuckin' great, there's MORE of you assholes?” Tucker exclaimed, dropping his face into a clawed hand and groaning into his palm. “Fuck!”

“Chill, Tucker. We really don't need to get into any more goddamn fights right now...” Church sighed again before glancing toward the seated equine. “Uh...Horsey, was it? That's...that's a...strange...”

“That's not my name,” the seated stranger grumbled, shooting a poisonous glare toward an innocently-whistling Mahihko. “It's...Riffraff.”

Tucker burst out laughing before Church could reply, pointing at the embarrassed horse. “Dude, SERIOUSLY? What, are you guys from the land of fuckin' magical friendship or some shit? Are you one of those thirty-year-old virgins? much of your childhood was spent in lockers, man?”

Riffraff pursed his lips, cheeks flushed deeply as he curled his fingers into fists but remained seated with a sour expression. Church again attempted to speak up, but this time was cut off by Caboose exclaiming: “Hey, that is not fair, Tucker! My name is also dumb! It rhymes with moose! And your name sounds like you are tucking a girl into bed!--”

“Bow chicka bow wow!”

“--and a church is a place that is full of old men, which is also a strange thing to have as a name! So leave Horsey alone!”

“Wow, Church, how often do you get full of old men? I mean, not that I'm surprised, I guess you gotta get action wherever you can,” Tucker quickly interjected again, flashing a shit-eating grin toward the light-blue soldier.

“Caboose, Tucker, both of you just shut the fuck up before I...make you shut the fuck up!” Church growled, throwing his arms up in the air as his rifle clattered to the roof surface.

Tucker rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. “Nice comeback, asshole.”

Mahihko and Lone traded glances, the former looking far more amused and at ease than the latter as the muscular wolf rubbed at his chest nervously. Behind them, Riffraff made a face and rolled his head back with a mumble. He pinched the bridge of his muzzle slowly and then slowly dropped his hand...only to widen his eyes in shock. His jaw slowly dropped as he struggled to understand what he saw above them in the distance. Is Are we...INSIDE a planet? No, that's... He began to pale as nausea crept into his gut and made him almost immediately dizzy.

Church was about to yell at his shorter companion again when he noticed the equine stranger's sickened expression. “Uh...dude, are you okay?”

The wolves glanced simultaneously at the horse as Lone's brow furrowed in concern, while Mahihko shifted his gaze upward. He let out a surprised gasp, but seemed far more intrigued than nauseated as he studied the arcing strip of land that curved far past the point of visibility in the horizon. “Huh. This isn't...a planet, is it?”

“No,” Church replied slowly, stunned by their confusion. “Sirca is a ring-world. Didn't you know that before you...beamed down, or whatever the fuck you did?”

“We did not beam down,” Lone responded delicately, approaching Riffraff and carefully poking his face to force the equine to focus on him instead of the dizzying implications of the world beneath and around them. “I'm just gonna go ahead and amend my earlier statement. We are definitely not in the same solar system. We don't have...ring-worlds. In fact, I'm not even pretending to know how the fuck a ring-world works.”

“Fuck that, how about pretending to know how the fuck we can understand each other if you're goddamn ALIENS?” Tucker half-shouted. “Anyone wanna answer that gem?”

Church, Lone and Riffraff all traded glances as Mahihko continued to slowly gaze around, more interested now in their surroundings than the conversation at hand. It was Caboose who first responded, stating very matter-of-factly, “Tucker, that's easy, they must have gone to the same school that we did.” Everyone save Mahihko slowly turned their heads to the bell-wearing chupadore. Caboose blinked and looked between them all owlishly. “What?”

“Caboose...shut up,” Church finally said with a sigh. “I...don't know, Tucker. Would you prefer we didn't understand them?”

“Yeah, because my fucking head hurts trying to figure out all the shit going on,” Tucker complained, crossing his arms again and showing a rare moment of actual, unmasked emotion. “We're already trying to figure out why some crazy bitch shot you and tried to drag you away, and we were on the verge of abandoning our post and trying to track down whoever was with the crazy bitch. And they're probably crazy, too. This is...a fucking LOT of shit to comprehend, okay? So...fuck, man, give me a goddamn break...”

Church looked uncomfortable as he watched Tucker turn around and stare into the distance, slowly rubbing along the armor covering his slender arms. It was strange having his vulgar companion be anything less than...

“Uh, not to interrupt, but...”

The light-blue fi'la shook his head briefly to clear his thoughts, glancing at Riffraff as the still-pale horse finally, slowly stood up. “Can we...try to get everyone on the same page?” Church could at last appraise the full appearance of the tall equine, noting that he was even taller than Lone, likely only a few inches short of fully seven feet tall. His body was more muscular than Lone's as well, less toned and thicker in definition. His short hide was a deep, blood-red hue that made Church realize Riffraff was lucky he wasn't immediately shot for looking like a Red Army member. The horse's mane was a lighter shade of red, essentially pink, and was quite long. Several messy bangs half-covered his features, while the excess was pulled into a braided ponytail behind him. His long tail was the same color, hanging down only a half-foot or so from the ground. A battered semi-formal outfit covered his bulky frame, consisting of a snug dress shirt that was a deep cerulean blue, a black vest that appeared more ornamental than functional, and black dress pants complete with pleats, although the bottoms had long since been tattered and showed obvious signs of non-formal wear.

“Uh...sure, I guess,” Church responded slowly. “Should...we go inside?”

“Dude, I'm still not convinced they aren't gonna try and shoot us after we drop our guard,” Tucker grumbled, turning back around to glare at the two armed wolves. “Still don't know they aren't...some kinda spy or some shit...”

“Use your brain, Tucker. Just seeing the shape of Sirca almost made them hurl. I'm pretty goddamn sure they've never stepped foot on our world before.”

“You say that like it's a positive attribute,” Tucker shot back before shrugging. “But whatever, man. I'm hungry, anyway.”

“When are we going to do the horsey-rides?” Caboose demanded, earning a horrified look from Riffraff. “I call firsts! And also seconds!”

“We're...not going to do horsey-rides, Caboose,” Church replied through clenched teeth, visibly choking back his frustration. “We're going to figure out what the fuck is going on.”

“Riffraff wouldn't mind, though,” Mahihko added with a wink. “I've known him long enough to know what he likes!”

“You've...known me for maybe two days,” the horse grumbled, looking embarrassed nonetheless. “I still don't understand how you two managed to intercept us, anyway. Neither one of you are demons like Amdusias...”

“Mahihko might be part-demon,” Lone mumbled as his smaller companion only looked pleased at the designation. “Yeah, let's. Let's go inside. I've seen some weird shit but this shit takes the goddamn weird cake...”

Caboose whooped, oblivious to any of the danger that concerned Tucker as he spun around and bolted back down the ramp from the roof while calling out: “Mr. Bunnylops! Put away the cards! We have visitors! Get the sliced cheese!! But stay on your guard, I think one of them wants to take the weird cake!”

The three strangers shared an awkward glance between themselves while Tucker shook his head slowly but then looked pointedly at the trio. “Well go on, follow Short-Bus. I sure as hell ain't ready to let you walk behind me...” He continued to grumble as Church sighed loudly. “No way am I getting shot in my ass today, nope. I ain't a moron.”

Pff, I can't blame you! The view is nice from back there!” Mahihko replied brightly, slapping his own rump before trotting after Caboose. Lone and Riffraff gave similar, embarrassed expressions before following the small wolf down the ramp. The two remaining chupadores shared a mutual look that all but screamed “what the fuck?!” as Tucker shook his head and stomped after the foreign creatures with a hand on the butt of his holstered pistol.

Church hesitated, kicking at his dropped sniper rifle childishly. We have had way more than our fair share of what-the-fuck moments lately... He wondered if bringing the enormous weapon inside would really help the situation, considering how tense his companion already seemed. He realized that, in the first moments of their mind-boggling collision with these strangers, either side could have suffered a fatal blow. It had seemed childish at the time, but had the one named Mahihko not kicked his larger companion into Tucker... The tall soldier grimaced and finally decided against bring yet another gun into the picture. His less-than-perfect aim aside, his instincts told him they had no real desire to hurt any of them. At least not yet...


Things were not all that less awkward in the mess, despite Lone's best attempts at normalizing the situation. Church and Tucker sat next to each other across from the two wolves as the smaller chupadore leaned back slightly with a frown. Mahihko was practically laying on the table with how far he was bent forward, grinning sharkishly at the visibly-uncomfortable turquoise shi'a. In a corner of the room, Riffraff was leaning awkwardly against the wall while Caboose babbled away to him cheerfully about the collection of snack wrappers he was keeping to plant behind the base, where they'd grow into “snack bushes”, apparently.

Lone cleared his throat and then carefully pushed his slender companion back into a seated position in an attempt to calm Tucker, though the soldier looked far from placated. “ I don't really know the best way to start, but I guess I should ask how much you guys know about your world?” He gestured with his hands in an attempt to make his words easier to understand, but it didn't seem to make a difference as both chupas across the table gave him blank stares. “Well...I mean, you know about...aliens, it sounds like?” he asked hopefully.

“You said you weren't aliens,” Tucker responded dryly before shoving a prepackaged muffin into his muzzle, blatantly refusing to offer the strangers any of the food stacked on the counter behind them.

“Well, I guess in a way we are,” Lone replied slowly. “We're...not from this world, so. Yeah, literally, I suppose we're aliens. But we didn't get here on a space ship or anything. I don't even honestly know if this is the same...uh. Galaxy. Or universe. Or...dimension.”

“Yeah, 'sfar as we know, ain't got no ring-planets around us!” Mahihko chimed in, propping his pierced muzzle up on a  hand, his tail swinging idly behind him. “But goddamn, I wish there were. I bet there are all kinds of neat places and people to explore in a place like this...” His periwinkle eyes slid back to Tucker, making the chupadore recoil in horror again.

His larger companion sighed and rubbed at his muzzle slowly. “Seriously, ignore him. He does his best work when he realizes someone's uncomfortable around him.” Church gave the wolf a pointed look and Lone shrugged, continuing slowly. “Anyway. The reason I ask is because, as you have guessed, we're from somewhere either very far, or...fuck, I dunno, maybe not that far, but on another plane of existence.”

“Whoa, whoa, we don't know for sure we're on a new plane of existence,” Mahihko interrupted.

“I do not like planes!” Caboose half-shouted from behind the wolves, making Riffraff shrink embarrassedly against the wall. “They are full of babies.”

Mahihko couldn't resist a slight smile even as he turned back to the others and raised a finger. “Not to be a dick, Lone, but we actually don't know that. Hell, you barely know what this thing is, and you're the one who actually researches this shit.”

Church frowned and leaned forward slightly, looking between the two wolves. “Yeah, what was that thing you were holding? Was that how you...made that...uh...”

“I swear to Omega if you call it a wormhole, you will be a nerd in my eyes forever,” Tucker threatened, jabbing a claw into Church's chest before the larger soldier scowled and slapped it away.

“Well then what the fuck would you call it, asshole?” Church snarled, leaning toward the smaller male and earning a rude gesture from his companion.

“How 'bout we just call it a doorway?” Lone offered awkwardly. The two chupadores glared at him and he shrunk back slightly before shrugging. “Well it is, in the most basic sense,” he grumbled, nudging Mahihko in the side lightly. “It's...some kind of artifact. I'd call it 'ancient', but fuck if I know how old it actually is.” On cue, the feminine lupine reached into one of his many pockets to produce what now looked like a simple cluster of crystals growing from a lump of limestone. Lone pointed to it as the two chupas leaned in despite themselves to stare at it curiously.

“Why isn't it glowing anymore?” queried Tucker, shifting to the side to study the strange object in Mahihko's open palm. “And fuck that, why aren't you three using it to go back the fuck to wherever you came from?”

“Because where we came from is in a bit of a fucked situation right now,” Mahihko replied bluntly, tossing the crystal formation lightly upward as Lone's eyes widened in horror. But he easily caught it without so much as a glance, offering a half-grin as he placed it gently on the table so the other wolf could snatch it up with a huff. “Someone may or may not have intercepted my call for assistance and someone may or may not have shown up at what I was very positive was my dig site, and then someone may or may not have tried to kill us.”

“I was there first,” Lone grumbled as he idly brushed some invisible dust from the crystals. “Also, you called one of your many old boyfriends to see if he'd come get us in a helicopter. He was the probably the one who called that bastard and his goddamn mercenary army out there.”

“He was hardly a 'boyfriend', more like a walking source of dick that also happened to have a helicopter,” the other wolf said dramatically, waving a hand before perking up as Tucker gave them both an incredulous look.

“Wait, so...what the fuck are you two, like...tomb raiders or some shit?”

Mahihko looked positively tickled at this, propping his muzzle up with both hands. “Oh yes! Absolutely, that is one-hundred-percent the best term to use and you should refer to us as such forever after this point!”

But Lone scowled darkly and quickly wrapped the so-called artifact in a dusty cloth before tucking it into one of his thigh pockets. “No. No, no, we are not. I'm...uh. An...explorer. Who...recovers old stuff. And such.”

“--sounds like a tomb raider,” Tucker interrupted mildly.

“No, not...a tomb raider. Explorer. And...he is...” Lone pursed his lips as Mahihko batted his eyes at the larger lupine. “He's a goddamn thief.”

A dramatic gasp flew from the feminine wolf's muzzle as he put a hand mockingly against his own chest. “Sir! Bite your tongue.” He earned two very skeptical looks from the chupadores across the table and gave a loud sigh in response. “I hate 'thief', it's so...bland. So crude. I am so much more than a petty thief.” He underscored his next phrase with a poke to Lone's cheek. “And you know it.”

Lone rolled his eyes and attempted to respond, but Church interrupted bluntly: “Okay, fine, you two come across some ancient...thingy, and it transports, and that all makes sense if we pretend this is some goddamn video game, but what about him?” The taller chupa gestured wildly at Riffraff as the equine looked back at them blankly. “It sounds like he's not...even with you two?”

“Uh. Remember what I said about alternate dimensions?” Lone replied lamely. “I wasn't just talking out of my ass. And since we've already gone far past the point of no return in regards to crazy-shit-that-shouldn't-be-possible, I'm sure you'll have no trouble believing that he's from an alternate version of the same world we're from.” Once more, he was met with two confused stares of disbelief. “It's...look, you're already talking to three people who just came through a literal tear in reality. So just. Bear with me. But in the world where Mahihko and I come from, it's uh...I dunno. Normal, I guess.”

“Normal is relative,” Riffraff intoned sourly. “Maybe you're the freaks and I'm the regular joe.”

“I thought your name was Horsey!” The horse shifted his gaze awkwardly back to Caboose to find the dark blue chupadore glaring up at him suspiciously.

“Um, actually R--”

“Anyway,” Lone continued, leaving Riffraff to uselessly attempt an explanation to Caboose. “What I mean is that our world is...without magic, I guess is the easiest way to say it. We have science, we have technology, we have religion, but there's no...supernatural elements.” He paused, his expression torn between amused and anxious. “Well. Not regularly, anyway. Between the slippery thief and I, we've...come across some weird shit that's beyond most normal explanation, at least in our reality. But he,” Lone gestured to Riffraff once more. “He comes from a different version of our world. Same world, in a strictly geographical sense, and I guess a physical sense...but completely different in a metaphysical sense. They lack a lot of the scientific and technological advances we have, but in return, a good percentage of their population can harness magical elements.” At this point, both Tucker and Church had gone from wary and somewhat disbelieving to showing outright incredulity. “I...I know how it sounds. And to top it all off, the How to put it...'protective layer' that separates their world from the supernatural world is also exceptionally thinner. So things like angels and demons are kind of a thing, too. Y'know, just to add to the entire goddamn impossibility of what I'm saying.”

“These two boneheads ended up here because they were chasing a demon,” Riffraff added helpfully. “He's sort of my friend. I...guess. Or a friend of a friend. He''s...complicated.”

Church slowly lowered his head into his hands, groaning into the table as Tucker made a disgusted face. “That's putting it fuckin' mildly, don't you think?” the smaller chupadore asked ironically. He seemed to take a moment to watch Church for a reaction, apparently hoping for some cue from the other soldier. But when his companion appeared more content to simply keep his face buried in his fingers, the turquoise male shrugged and continued, “Okay, so I'm not even gonna try to make sense of this. All I know is you don't belong here, but you're here now, and you don't know how to get back, right?”

Lone nodded slowly while Mahihko only shrugged cheerfully, leaning back slightly as he produced a slender handgun from some unseen holster in his turtleneck. Tucker tensed up immediately, but before he could draw his own magnum in response, the slender lupine had already neatly removed the slide from the weapon and was calmly dissembling it on the table as his eyes shifted back to the rigid soldier with a playful expression. “Go on?”

Tucker narrowed his eyes but slowly relaxed and tapped a claw purposefully on the surface of the table. “Anyway. What I wanna know is, if you three weren't originally together, and the two of you,” he pointed two fingers at the wolves, “were just...'following a demon'...then where the fuck is THAT guy?”

“That's...actually a good question,” Church said, lifting his head and giving Tucker a genuinely surprised glance. His smaller companion looked less than thrilled at the insinuation, but remained silent as the fi'la continued. “Are here somewhere? Because I sure as shit can guarantee that we won't be the only ones to open fire. And the last thing we goddamn need are more goddamn dead bodies.”

“You forgot the more important question.” All eyes shifted to Tucker and he leaned forward with a serious frown. “Where the fuck are all the chicks?”

Any Other World

Simmons, Grif and Donut all stood over the enormous reptile's collapsed form, glancing between one another awkwardly as the effeminate chupa slowly holstered his pistol. “Um, guys...were you just joking about the tea?”

“Shit, shit...shit! Donut, what did you do?!” Simmons lamented, pulling a hand over his features before glaring at Grif. “This is your fault, Grif!”

“Whoa, whoa, I just made a logical assumption, and it looks like it paid off, because now there's one less gigantic dragon-thing trying to kill us,” the pudgy soldier reasoned, raising his palms in a slow shrug. “I'd say you own me a meal, Simmons.”

The dark-red chupadore frowned immensely at his companion. “That's the last thing you need. Look, let's...move him to the brig, before he wakes up and...I dunno, kills us.” He paused before his eyes widened. “Oh shit, and what are we gonna tell that horse guy outside??”

A gruff voice echoed down the hall as if in response, punctuated with staggering hoof-steps that filled the air with an ominous sense of inevitability. “Tell me what?”

The three soldiers stared as Graceful Melody stumbled up to them, leaning heavily on the wall as a mostly-smoked cigarette hung out of his muzzle. His features were pale and his fingers were visibly trembling as he breathed shallowly. Simmons cleared his throat awkwardly, making a lame attempt to step in front of the demon’s enormous body while doing a poor imitation of casually resting against the wall. “Um. You look uh...pretty sick still, you better go back outside for some fresh air,” he announced helpfully, his voice several decibels too loud as behind him, Grif slapped a palm over his features.

The unsteady equine narrowed his eyes dangerously, spitting the cigarette onto the floor and gritting his teeth as he studied Amdusias's prone form behind the useless distraction of Simmons's wiry frame. Simmons's eyes widened as Graceful yanked his massive handgun out a second time, waving it by his head while taking a shaky step forward. “Who. The fuck. Killed my demon?” But before he could threaten any of the soldiers with the twitching pistol, the slight horse slumped against the opposite wall with a groan before melting into a pile next to the unconscious reptile.

Simmons wheezed and clutched at his damaged chest plate, nearly tripping over the gigantic creature behind him but his face reflecting only a sense of relief for the moment. He let himself flop against the wall with a gasp before throwing a glare at the other two. “Can we please stop behaving like children before I get shot again?”

“You know, Simmons, Sarge might stop letting you wash his balls if you keep crying like that,” Grif retorted as he began to unbuckle and remove his armor. “He doesn't much care for sissies.”

“I guess that explains why he hates you and Donut,” Simmons grumbled in return, earning a dramatic gasp from the light-red chupadore.

“Sarge doesn't...hate me, does he?” Donut looked genuinely upset at this notion, grabbing his tail and kneading it instinctively. “Wait...have I ever met Sarge?”

Simmons gave the blond-maned male a dry look before rolling his eyes. “, but...I have a feeling he WILL hate you. Wait, that's what you're upset about? Not the whole...sissy thing?”

Donut blinked in confusion and tilted his head slightly. “Wait, what's wrong with--”

“Guys?” Grif interrupted mildly. “Guys. I have an idea. How about everyone shuts up and we drag these things to the brig so the big baby Simmons doesn't cry about getting shot again?”

The maroon chupa sighed. “Grif...shut up. Help me with the big...dragon-thing.” He glanced at the collapsed equine with a slight frown – at best, the tiny stranger couldn't weigh any more than a foul-mouthed teenager. “Donut, do you think you can handle the horse-guy?”

“Oh, for sure, I'd love to handle the horse-guy!” Donut replied cheerfully as he bent down with his hands on his knees to peer at the crumpled stranger, his hindquarters swinging a bit. “Just look at that adorable face! Are you sure we gotta put him in the cells? It'd be so nice to have a guest for tea finally!”

Simmons and Grif were both shoving each other toward the torso of the muscular reptile, neither one wanting to deal with the long bone spikes that stuck out through the back of its tattered suit. But Simmons couldn't resist a glare toward Donut with those words, giving up a moment of concentration and subsequently being pushed by Grif to the demon's upper half as the orange-furred chupadore quickly grabbed one of its muscular legs defiantly. “Goddammit, Grif, and goddammit to you, too, Donut! Again, he SHOT me! We're locking them both up 'til Sarge gets here!”

“You're right, Simmons. Our logical, calm, rational leader will definitely provide the wise response you're hoping for,” Grif deadpanned, continuing to hold only one of the lizard's legs up while resting lazily against the wall. “Surely Sarge wouldn’t do or say anything to get us killed. Surely Sarge is going to be our beacon of reason in these trying times..”

Simmons paused with a frown. “Well...that's beside the point. He's still our commanding officer,” he grumbled, bending down to awkwardly slip his hands beneath the enormous creature's arms, wincing and attempting to avoid the myriad spikes poking out through its well-worn suit jacket. He visibly strained to lift the reptile's torso off the ground, gasping in effort. “Grif...would you...goddamn...HELP?”

The pudgy soldier sighed dramatically, dropping down to a kneel and scooping up the other leg, gripping the creature's ankles against his sides as he struggled to stand afterward. “Lead the way, cub scout.”

Simmons scowled darkly before shouting in surprise as Donut suddenly danced past them nimbly, the unconscious equine hefted onto his back. Where the lithe chupadore had the energy to carry the other male so easily, tiny in stature or otherwise, was a question that would likely remain unanswered. Grif seemed resigned to simply shrugging as his taller companion mumbled incoherently before awkwardly side-stepping and maneuvering his way down the hall after Donut. “Watch his tail, it's long as hell.”

Grif grunted and hefted the reptile's legs a bit higher, barely listening to Simmons as always and almost immediately tripping over the long appendage at his paws. “Grif! I said watch his tail!”

“And I said you're stupid, but I don't hear you listening,” Grif retorted, childishly kicking the forked tail to the side as the two soldiers awkwardly made their way to the brig with the muscular creature held up between them.

“You never said that!” the maroon soldier snapped back, nearly tumbling down upon reaching the first step on the staircase leading to the lower level.

“See, Simmons, you just proved my point, you never listen,” his companion replied with a morose shake of his head. “It really hurts me inside, the same way you must feel when when you realize your balls are in Sarge's pocket, like...twenty-four, seven.”

“Fuck off, Grif,” Simmons growled, glancing over his shoulder as they carefully made their way down the stairs and toward the brig. Grif smirked but otherwise remained silent, following his fellow to where Donut was already positioned outside of the holding cell containing the passed-out equine.

Simmons carefully slipped into the next open cell, already looking exhausted from hefting the weight of the reptile's torso. He did his best to ease the monstrous creature's body onto the hard cot but was unable to avoid getting jabbed with a few of the spikes. He cursed and quickly stepped back, only to wince as several of the sharp points of bone tore through the mattress when his center of gravity suddenly dropped. At the other end, Grif unceremoniously dropped the creature's legs and they flopped with loud smacks against the back of the cot. “Goddammit, Grif...”

The orange-hued chupa shrugged and wiped his hands together. “What? Not like he even remotely fits onto the bed, and it ain't like he's gonna feel anything, anyway.” He ambled back out of the holding cell as Simmons grumbled incoherently and took a moment to awkwardly try and reposition the gigantic creature's legs and tail. He prodded and shifted the appendages a few times, frowning immensely as from outside, Donut called in cheerfully:

Oooh! Are we posing them?!? I have a great position to try with the pony-guy!”

“Omega's sake, Donut...” Simmons sighed loudly, eventually giving up on trying to adjust the demon's limbs into a more comfortable position as he stepped back slowly. “Fuck all of this.” He eyed Amdusias's unconscious form warily, his body still somewhat tense as if expecting the alien creature to pop back to life and slaughter them all. A frown remained on his features when he finally slipped through the small doorway next to the metal bars. As he slapped the button on the wall to activate the light-blue force field that protected the narrow entrance, Simmons rubbed the back of his head and gave his companions a concerned look. “You guys understand what...all this means?”

Grif rolled his eyes, leaning against the wall again and crossing his arms. “Let me guess. It means you're gonna waste another ten minutes of my life with one of your nerd-gasms?”

“Ooh, Simmons, tell me more about these nerd-gasms!” Donut exclaimed brightly, tail swinging cheerfully.

“Oh my god, it is impossible to have a normal conversation with you two,” the maroon chupadore groused, rubbing at his muzzle slowly. He shook his head a bit, then glanced into both cells with an expression that barely masked his concern. “Look...while I might...normally come across as a little bit excited to learn aliens are real--”

“Just a little bit?” Grif interjected in a dry monotone. “Barely a twitch from it, eh?”

“Fuck off, Grif.” Simmons shot his fellow soldier a scowl before self-consciously poking at his impacted chest armor. “The point is that...I mean...what's the point of...of all this?”

Donut looked confused, tapping at his chin thoughtfully. “Um...well, you said we should lock up these two so they don't try to kill us? But I can let them back out if you want! There's still time to get tea ready for five of us!”

“God...dammit, Donut. No. Not...this,” Simmons grumbled, gesturing around him as Grif snickered in the background. “I mean this whole stupid war. If there's actually life out there, if there are worlds outside of Sirca, and if they're capable of reaching us, then...don't you guys think all this bullshit back-and-forth with the Blues is a little...silly?”

“So silly that you'll hang if you don't join the fight,” Grif responded mildly. “Or at least be forced to listen to Sarge bitch while you're trying to watch TV, which is almost as bad. I'm pretty sure no one gives a crap about some weird spiky guy and his little scary pony showing up in a piece-of-shit canyon, in the middle of a piece-of-shit territory.”

“Shouldn't they, though?” Simmons looked genuinely upset, staring between his compatriots. “Don' guys think this is pretty fucking crazy? I get it, the Holy War, it's a part of life, but...come on, you don't see how...stupid it all seems now??”

Grif regarded Simmons blankly for several seconds before shrugging lazily and ambling out of the brig. “Pretty sure anything you're involved in is pretty stupid,” he drawled over a shoulder. “I'm gonna go find a new place to nap before Sarge gets here. You guys have fun with your nerd party.”

As the orange chupadore slouched away, Simmons sighed and rubbed the back of his head before shifting his eyes to Donut. The light-red soldier was squinting at Simmons with his lips pursed, one hand on a hip as the other poked in his companion's direction. “Simmons, were you saying all that stuff about how the war is stupid because you're trying to get out of chores? Because you can just tell me! I love doing chores! I got that outfit delivered and everything!”

“I still don't know where the hell you were able to order that from,” Simmons mumbled, making a face. “They must have some fucked up shops on the network.”

“Everyone knows you can't clean without a proper maid's uniform!” Donut proclaimed. “How am I supposed to go around polishing the doorknobs, naked?”

Simmons looked more strained than normal as he slowly clenched and then relaxed a fist, his features visibly creased with annoyance. “Please, for the love of Omega, don't do that. You don't even have to polish the doorknobs, Donut, who even does that?”

The feminine chupadore sniffed disdainfully and trotted past Simmons with a flick of his tail. “Well, I've found that a good life is full of polished knobs. Maybe that's why you're so grumpy, Simmons! You should polish more knobs!”

Simmons scowled as the cheerful soldier skipped toward the stairwell to head back upstairs. “You have to be aware when you say shit like that,” he muttered before turning back to study the two unconscious creatures. I can't be the only one who thinks this is a big deal...this is all just so fucking stupid if…if there’s something beyond this ring out there…this changes everything…


“So yeah, that's about it, I guess. We have the one extra room that I guess you guys can use but...y'know, hopefully you won't be here that long,” Tucker grumbled, hands shoved in his pockets as he turned to face the two wolves. He'd been tasked with giving them a brief tour of the base, while Church was accompanying Riffraff to the roof to let him use the rifle scope and possibly spot some sign of the horse's two companions in the vicinity.

Lone nodded once, poking his head into the brig to note the empty cells. “Thanks, uh...Tucker, right? Yeah, we appreciate it. I'm hoping we don't have to be here long, no. I guess it's just kinda hard to tell. We expected at most to cross over into the alternate version of our world...didn't really expect to end up gods know how many light-years away.”

Tucker made a face but grunted out an incoherent “you're welcome”. He had mostly been keeping a wary eye on Mahihko – no longer because of the handgun that the smaller wolf had managed to re-assemble while they wandered around the base, but rather due to the fact that the feminine lupine had been giving him aggressively suggestive winks and grins constantly. “Yeah. Whatever, man, just don't touch my fucking snacks. And don't go into my room. It's for me and the ladies, that's it.”

“All the ladies, huh? So where IS this legendary, ever-flowing fountain of vagina you keep alluding to?” Mahihko inquired innocently, tucking his pistol back into his half-concealed holster. “I mean, you've mentioned all the action you get like...nine times. But uh. I ain't seen a single female 'round here yet.”

“That's because this is the army, asshole,” the soldier spat back. “It's not my fault I had to come out here and leave a whole village full of mourning ladies behind.” He crossed his arms confidently as his tail flicked behind him. “I bet they had to start a support group just to manage life without me around.”

“No one left to flip their burgers, eh? Yeah, that would be pretty rough.” Mahihko gave a sympathetic nod, barely hiding his grin as Tucker flushed and bared his teeth in frustration. “Whoa, whoa, chill out, there. I ain't gonna judge. I have terrible luck with the ladies, too, after all.”

“I'm pretty sure the last time you saw a pair of tits was when you were breastfeeding,” Lone interjected drolly. “You run screaming from women.”

“Excuse me, I was allergic to breast milk, thank you very much.” The shorter wolf seemed absurdly proud of this fact as he flashed a bright smile. “Momma had to put me on soy milk. I was a fag the day I popped outta that hell-hole.”

“Omega's sake,” Tucker mumbled, looking extremely uncomfortable. “So...uh...I mean, you two are actually...”

“Why the hell do I get lumped in with him?” Lone exclaimed, his hands on his hips to give him a far more effete appearance than he likely intended.

“Because every knows you're not just a tomb raider, you're a tomb raider who loves dick,” Mahihko replied mildly before tipping a wink toward a somewhat-pale Tucker. “So yeah! We're both actually flaming homosexuals. Lemme guess, we landed in Redneck Gulch, where 'we don't like them faggots' and 'God says them sodomites should burn.' Not that I'd mind, I love fuckin' with close-minded assholes. I mean, really, I just love fuckin' with all assholes, but that's neither here nor there...”

Tucker frowned slightly before scratching awkwardly at the back of his neck. “Well...uh. Let's start with this: Does Omega not, um...rule over, or whatever? What's the name of the church that runs everything?”

Lone and Mahihko glanced at each other with mixed expressions, though Mahihko looked more amused than anything. “I mean. There are SOME people who think that the Catholics are secretly ruling the world, but um. Yeah, we. We don't have that. No single church...hell, no single anything rules our world. Every country has different rulers, different rules and customs...but for the most part, religion isn't exactly the all-powerful force it was a century or two ago.” The slender lupine smiled a bit and gestured between himself and Lone. “We come from a world that…well, yes, does kinda suck thanks to some pretty fucked issues that we caused ourselves. There’s a lot that blows, just like any other world, I’m sure…but and technology are leading the way forward. Things aren't as repressed as they used to be.”

Lone tilted his head a bit as he noticed the surprised expression on the chupadore's features. “So...wait. How...bad are things here?”

“Bad? I mean. There's a Holy War that's been going on for the last few decades, and if you don't fight when you're conscripted, you kinda get killed, and also, how the FUCK do you function without the House of Omega?” Tucker looked genuinely confused and horrified and somewhat concerned all at once. “Who makes all the rules? Who decides who wins and who loses?”

Lone gave a faint smile. “Jesus. Things are different here. It'd take too long to try and explain everything, ain't like it is here, I guess.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Tucker responded slowly, lacing his fingers behind his head with a long, slow exhale. “Fuckberries. This shit is painful to try and understand.” He shook his head a bit, then glanced between the two wolves. “Look, I don't give a fuck if your ass gets shot off as long as I don't get my ass shot off, but... I will give you this much advice: it ain't a good idea to be gay, and it ain't a good idea to talk shit about Omega. So uh...try to avoid those two things and I guess you'll be fine.”

“Oh goodie, I guess I might as well slit my wrists now, because I am NOT spending this entire trip without experiencing any alien junk in my trunk,” Mahihko blurted as Tucker took a preemptive step backward. “Fuck THAT. Okay, so far, other than trying to shoot us in the face, the people on this ring-world-place are fine, but man. Fuck this Omega guy. And fuck this Holy War. We got religious nutjobs back where we come from, too and you know what? They suck there, too.”

Tucker visibly winced as the lupine disparaged their all-powerful deity, but he also looked almost...relieved. “Um. Look, I don't wanna get my ass sent to the gallows, but...uh. Yeah, I guess I can't argue. The real devout fuckers are annoying as hell...but I guess one good thing about this shitty outpost is that no one out here is real holy.” He let his arms drop back to his sides, his body relaxing a bit once again. “One of the very few benefits of getting shipped out here.” Tucker grimaced. “Very few.”

“No ladies coming out to this lonely canyon, I'm guessing?” Mahihko teased, though his tone was surprisingly gentler than before.

Lone glanced at his companion curiously; he wasn’t expecting the outspoken thief to ease up on the verbal abuse of the turquoise soldier that he'd no doubt already singled out to try and get between the sheets. But he could tell by the half-hidden expression in his companion's features that the reality of life on this ring-world was upsetting to him. Lone wasn't a fan of what he'd heard so far, made him a bit more uncomfortable about this strange planet on which they’d somehow ended up.

“No, there are not,” Tucker scowled, pursing his lips and grumpily stomping back toward the stairs as the wolves followed. “This place is a barren wasteland devoid of any and all pussy. And the only one that we've seen lately is at the bottom of a goddamn cliff due to a close encounter with a fucking frag grenade.”

“You found a real lady and your first instinct was to grenade her?” Mahihko asked with a coy grin. “Boy, you sure you're not playin' for my team?”

“Extremely sure!” Tucker snapped over his shoulder before scowling as he half-jogged the rest of the way up the stairs. “She was...fuckin' scary. And had a really big shotgun.” He paused and turned to see Mahihko appraising him visually, making a horrified face and waving his arms in frustration. “Quit starin' at my ass!”

Lone shook his head in mild amusement as Tucker led them toward the exit of the base, doing his best to memorize the layout as they passed through. “Please don't mind him. Freaking out about it will only make it worse, anyway.”

The lean soldier grumbled before holding up a finger and glancing back at them. “Seriously though. There are others that came with you? Are any of them at least chicks?”

“Sorry, buddy! Two more sausages to add to the party, I'm pleased to announce!” The shorter lupine flashed a winsome smile at Tucker's dejected expression, offering him a thumbs-up that did not help to ease the chupadore's moodiness.

“Yeah, and they're a lot scarier than us, I might add,” Lone mumbled, rubbing at his shoulder a bit. “Sometimes I forget which one of those two was the actual demon.”

“Oh, we barely had a chance to get to know them, I'm sure they aren't so bad,” Mahihko reasoned. He cut himself off, however, as they stepped out of the base through the concrete doorway and back into the dry air of the box canyon. He took a moment to meander away from the base, letting his bare paws push into the cracked clay-like ground below while his eyes surveyed the environment around them. There was a thick grouping of trees and brush not too far from the base, and it looked like the verdant foliage nearly encircled this end of the barren valley. He could see the other squat military structure just past a thin cluster of greenery in the middle of the canyon, and otherwise there wasn't much to take in. “So...what, only one way into this place?” he asked as his eyes settled on a break in the canyon walls that he could barely make out through the same patch of dense vegetation.

“Two, actually,” Church corrected from above. The three glanced up to the roof where the taller chupadore stood next to Riffraff. The equine had the oversized sniper rifle pressed into his shoulder, holding it entirely wrong but obviously only interested in peering through the scope as the soldier at his side gestured idly toward the back of the canyon. “There's another way out through the trees back there, leads to the jungle.”

“There's also a dead Freelancer bitch that way,” Tucker added bitterly. “You assholes are free to get the fuck outta here through either option.”

Lone rolled his eyes but made a mental note regardless as he nodded silently. “Thanks. Uh...yeah, guess I'm not sure what we're gonna do yet. We don't know how to re-open the portal and...I'm not sure if we even want to right now. As it is, we're probably lucky nothing...else...came through with us...”

Tucker frowned immensely. “The fuck does that mean? You fuckers tryin' to get us all killed with some interdimensional monster bullshit or somethin'?”

“I wish! That would be exciting as hell!” Mahihko responded, only to shrug amiably. “But no. Just a shitload of guys with guns who were not really happy that we got to the artifacts before they did.”

“Great,” muttered the lean chupadore as he crossed his arms. He glanced up toward Riffraff with a smirk. “Hey, douchebag – you're holding that wrong. I bet you hear that all the time, though.”

The equine huffed but continued to peer through the scope for several seconds. “You would get along really well with Graceful,” he mumbled. “You're both crude bastards.”

“I'll take that as a compliment,” Tucker grunted.

“Shut up, Tucker.” The larger soldier glared at his companion before eyeing the horse and his awkward handling of the sniper rifle. “So uh...any sign Them?”

“Nothing,” Riffraff murmured, slowly lowering the massive firearm with a sigh. The muscular creature shook his head and then handed the weapon back to Church. “Not a sign of them at all.” He shifted his eyes down to the two wolves, concern etched into his features. “Do you...think...”

“I'm sure they're fine,” Lone interjected smoothly, waving off the equine's fretting. “Hell, if anything, we should have been the ones to worry about demolecularization, after all.”

“You just made up that word,” Mahihko remarked, though he appeared more impressed than accusatory as he half-grinned up to his companion.

The larger wolf cleared his throat but did not protest, only offering a slight shrug. “Point stands, all the same. We were the idiots who decided to try and just. Leap into a magical portal. Y'know, without an actual demon to guide us. So hey, don't worry about it, Riffraff. I'm sure we'll find them soon. Or they'll find us.”

“Unless they got demolecularized,” Mahihko chimed in with a wink.

Riffraff seemed genuinely horrified for a moment as the chupa at his side took an awkward step back, perhaps fearing a violent outburst from the well-built horse. “ don't...I mean, they wouldn't...”

“I'm pretty sure they're fine,” Lone interrupted again, waving both hands as Mahihko tittered at his side. “Let's uh...let's just see if we can...I dunno.” He paused and looked at Tucker, then up to the other soldier on the roof. “You guys got like. A...vehicle or something lying around that we could uh...borrow?”

“You fuckin' kidding me?” Tucker scoffed, flashing a disgusted look up to the taller wolf. “You assholes pop into our world, try to start some shit, and NOW you want us to give you a ride, too? Nah, fuck that.”

“Tucker, calm your shit,” Church rumbled from the roof, rolling one of his shoulders slowly and grimacing. “Although I guess he has a point. I mean...we don't really know you, and you haven't really done much to like...earn our trust.”

Tucker rolled his eyes, muttering before anyone else could speak: “'Earn our trust'? You ever get told you sound like a real pussy? 'Cause you sound like a real pussy.”

“Eat me, asshole.” The taller chupadore raised his middle digit toward his companion; the gesture earned an interested grin from Mahihko. “Point is, we don't have a vehicle, no.”

“You weirdos should probably just go over to the other base, they're always looking for more dicks to play with,” Tucker offered mildly.

Oooh! It would appear we have our destination!” Mahihko trilled before giving a muffled giggle as Lone sighed and held the other lupine's muzzle shut.

Before Lone could formulate some form of “thanks, anyway”, the third blue chupadore suddenly appeared with a telltale tinkle from the bell around his neck. “Hey, Church! Why don't we just have them stay here and protect the base from monsters while we take our field trip?!”

Church's eyes widened slightly as he groaned. “Goddammit, Caboose! You can't just go telling that to everyone!”

“Well why not? Someone has to water the snack bushes!”

“Yeah, Church, why not?” Tucker paused, but decided to just ignore the second half of Caboose's rambling. “Who the fuck cares if we leave?”

“You're the one who pointed out that we're going AWOL the other night,” Church grumbled. “Did you forget what the punishment was for going AWOL?”

“I thought we were going away.” Caboose frowned deeply as he scrunched up his muzzle. “We don't need to leave to go to a wall. There's one right here!” He slapped a hand against the side of the base, oblivious of the morbid glare Church had affixed on his features.

“Well, whatever. It's been how many months now since you smoked Flowers, and all they sent us so far is a literal special recruit.” The shortest soldier of the three shrugged idly. “I somehow doubt we're gonna have Blue Command up our asses any time soon.”

Riffraff shifted from hoof to hoof, catching the attention of the two wolves on the ground below. “Hey, uh...could we maybe still go check out that other base? I'm starting to really get worried about the other two...”

“I'm pretty sure between the tiny terror and...the...huge demon, those two are handling themselves fine,” Lone reasoned with a shrug. “But I guess at this point it would make sense to try and get us all in one place. Maybe Amadeus can help us figure out where the fuck we are.”

“Amdusias,” Riffraff corrected lamely.

“Sounds a lot cooler than Riffraff,” Tucker remarked before glancing up at Church. “Come on, dude. They ain't our problem. They wanna go get shot at, that's their right as...weird, fuckin'...alien-things.”

“Yeah, I guess...” The tallest soldier sighed. “Look, whatever you decide to do, I think...we're leaving tomorrow. Probably pretty early, we' a lot of road to cover.”

“Don't lie, you don't even know where the hell we're going,” Tucker retorted before he gestured to Caboose. “And you better get his ass to bed on time if you want to leave early. I already gotta deal with your bitching, I don't need his, too.”

“I am not a baby!” Caboose half-yelled. “Nobody likes to wake up early, that's when the grass is wet.”

Church groaned loudly, slinging his rifle over a shoulder and shaking his head as he lumbered toward the ramp down from the roof. “I mean, he's not wrong,” Mahihko said with a slight smile, glancing between his companions. “Wet grass is the worst.”

“Don't encourage him,” Tucker muttered. The turquoise chupadore shoved lightly at Caboose. “C'mon, let's go figure out what the hell we're taking with us.” He glanced over his shoulder at the three strangers, frowning for a moment. “And uh. I guess...good luck? And if you assholes don't die, don't hesitate to avoid us, since shit's complicated enough already.”

“I'll see you soon, Horsey!” Caboose called out as Tucker shoved at him again. “You still owe me a ride!”

Riffraff's face filled with consternation as they watched the three chupadores disappear into the base. “You two are real pricks, you know that?”

“The hell did I do?” Lone muttered. “Mahihko's the one who did all the talking.”

The smaller wolf only shrugged agreeably before peering toward the distant, opposing base. “So you ladies ready to go meet more of these strangely sexy aliens?”


Church paused, causing Tucker to collide with him and utter one of his usual curses. “Oh shit. Tucker, did you tell them about the minefield?”

“Sure did.” The smaller chupa cleared his throat and then pushed past his less-than-convinced companion. “Whatever, man, who cares if I did or not? Probably ain't even real anyway. Did you see the sign? There was a heart on it. You don't put hearts on a real danger sign, everyone knows that.”

“I guess...” Church frowned a bit. But the sounds of cabinets flying open in the kitchen was enough to snap his attention back to his companions and he shook his head quickly before trotting into the base. Guess this probably won't even be the weirdest shit we see, anyway...not after everything else we've seen...

No Man's Land

“ two gonna...escort me over there, or's your plan?” Riffraff rubbed his hands together lamely, glancing down between the two wolves as they sat beneath the shadow of the concrete base. Lone was fretting with a dented pistol, his ears only half-lifting to acknowledge the tall equine as his mind paged through several potential plans of action.

Mahihko, on the other hand, tossed an amused smile upward. “You want us to escort you? Honey, out of the three of us here, you are the absolute least likely to pass as a prostitute. Plus you’re like super-tall. And muscular.” He paused thoughtfully before grinning toothily. “You’d be a great pimp, though! I mean, if I could choose my own pimp, I’d choose you. Every time.”

Lone glanced up with a sour expression. “What the hell are you two jabbering about? And why do I feel weirdly insulted you’d choose this giant horse to whore you out, over me?”

“Because he’s a giant horse,” Mahihko retorted mildly.

Riffraff blushed and awkwardly took a step backward, clearing his throat quietly. “That uh…that doesn’t really answer the question. Look, you two are real dandy, but…I’d really like to get back to the two fellas who are…you know, actually from my world. Because right now, I’m on a strange world, with two strangers from another strange world.” The red-hued equine tapped two fingers together sheepishly. “No offense, but…I’d like some normalcy back.”

“Dude, one of your two ‘normal’ boyfriends is a demon. An actual, straight-up demon,” Lone replied drolly. He looked down for a moment as his hands worked the slide of his compact handgun a few times before eyeing the massive equine again. “Yeah, we’ll get you over there. Think we’ll need your buddy’s help to get the hell out of here, anyway.”

“He’s technically a fallen angel,” Riffraff corrected, his expression laced with discomfort.

“That makes him even worse,” sang Mahihko. The slender lupine chuckled before reaching out to grab his fellow wolf’s muzzle. Lone blinked stupidly and then scowled as the smaller male levered himself upward with the help of his face. Mahihko hopped to his paws and began tugging off his turtleneck, continuing to talk through the dark fabric. “That means he was a baaaad boy up in Heaven, and they kicked his ass out.” His head popped free a moment later and he flashed another grin, the bright sun glinting off his multiple piercings. “Does he like the dick too much? I been kicked outta my fair share of places for liking the dick too much.”

Riffraff stared down at the cheerful lupine with something like horror etched across his features. “I…I don’t…he doesn’t…”

“C’mon, ‘Hiko, the poor guy’s traumatized enough,” Lone grumbled, ejecting the clip from his pistol and glancing at the top of the mostly-full magazine. “And you get kicked out of places for stealing more often than dicking. Stop trying to convince everyone you’re a slut before you’re a thief.” He slid the clip back into place and shoved the gun into its holster before climbing up to his paws as well.

Mahihko didn’t seem all that insulted, simply smiling once more as he tied the dark-blue sweater neatly around his neck. The taller wolf scowled at this, but the feminine male huffed in response, tapping the smooth fabric with a pink claw. “This is cashmere, sweetie. I ain’t gonna just leave it, ‘cause I highly doubt I’ll find a Neiman Marcus around here to shoplift for a replacement.”

Lone rolled his eyes and strolled forward, leaving the shade of the so-called ‘Blue’ base to take a closer look at the stretch of half-desert, half-grassland landscape between the two military structures. “You’re the worst. It’s gonna end up getting torn, or dirty, or stretched, and you’ll be pissier than you’d be if you’d just left it behind, and guess who gets to deal with it?”

A slight contact with the muscular lupine’s hip made him twitch and he looked over his shoulder just in time to see Mahihko pointing the short-barreled shotgun at his face with a wink. “Stop bein’ a whiny bitch, you whiny bitch.”

“That’s mine, put it back,” Lone grumbled, patting at the now-empty holster above his tail as if it would somehow undo the almost-perfect snatch from his black-and-white companion.

“If I had a nickel for every time,” Mahihko remarked cheekily before swiftly flipping the sawn-off around to grip it by the barrel, offering it to Riffraff. “Hey, Seabiscuit – you know how to use one of these?”

The quiet equine took a step back from the comparatively-tiny male, frowning slightly at the firearm. “I’m a croupier, not a gangster.”

“You’re a what?” Lone asked dumbly, turning to face the horse confusedly.

“A dealer, hon, like at a casino,” Mahihko provided with a chuckle. “I knew a blackjack dealer once. But he sucked.” The smaller lupine paused and added thoughtfully: “Both at dealing cards, but also on dicks.”

Riffraff shifted awkwardly as Lone sighed loudly and rubbed at his face with both hands. “Again. The worst. The hell’s it called a croo-pee-ay for?”

“Um, well, the word originally meant--” Riffraff began, only to be swiftly cut off by the shorter wolf.

“A croup is a horse’s butt!” Mahihko nodded wisely and then gestured toward the towering male with the double-barrel. “It means someone who rides all up on a horse’s ass!”

“Wouldn’t that be someone behind the players, then, and not on the other side of the table?” Lone asked dryly.

“I dunno, I’m not from his crazy-ass, nineteen-fifties-ass world, ask him.” Mahihko shrugged and once more shook the shotgun at Riffraff.

The red-hued equine sighed again, looking helpless as he shook his head slowly. “I have a feeling you two wouldn’t actually care about the history. And I really don’t want the gun, thank you.”

Mahihko pursed his lips and squinted defiantly up at the horse. “Boy, it ain’t a question, you need somethin’ in case the shit hits the fan. Which it kind of already did, but you know. Here, watch. It’s easy, and you don’t gotta do shit unless you’re about to die, yeah?” Riffraff made another face, but reluctantly crossed his arms and gave the two-toned wolf as much attention as he could bear to offer. “Good!” Mahihko laughed and nodded firmly as he held up the shotgun with both hands. “Now watch!”

He began to point at the various parts of the gun, calling them out as he did so and shifting the firearm each time for the benefit of the tall equine. Riffraff found himself listening despite himself, even as he scowled when Mahihko flipped the break action lever and snapped the weapon open to send the two unspent shells flying toward him. “Couldn’t be easier to reload!” the lithe male exclaimed, grinning and whipping a hand out to deftly snag the buckshot rounds from the air before slipping them back into the breech and snapping the shotgun together in one movement. “Got it? It even cocks itself when ya close it, all you gotta do is check the safety and pick your barrel!” He winked and flicked his thumb across a vertical lever on the stock of the shotgun as he continued: “Left…right…or my favorite, both at once!” He knocked the selector into the central position and then promptly pointed the weapon  at the horse’s crotch before pulling the trigger.

Riffraff screamed and leaped backward in horror as the shotgun clicked softly, his face drained of all color, while Mahihko guffawed cheerfully and jabbed the gun at the muscular male a few times. “Aw man, you already forgot the safety lesson! I’m ashamed and hurt!”

“Mahihko…you’re an asshole,” Lone remarked before holding his hand out. “Gimme that back before one of you two gets hurt.”

“Oh hell no!” Riffraff yelled in a strangled voice, lunging forward and snatching the shotgun from Mahihko’s grip with trembling fingers. “You’re mental! You’re absolutely mental! I feel safer with Graceful than I do with you!” He clutched the break-action weapon to his chest, frowning immensely and grumbling, “I will shoot you the next time you pull some nonsense like that again.”

But Mahihko seemed pleased more than anything, taking a step back and laughing brightly, clapping his hands a few times. “Aha! See, he likes guns, now! Mission accomplished!”

“I don’t like guns,” Riffraff mumbled disconsolately, relaxing slightly but keeping an iron grip on the shotgun with one hand as the other pushed his bangs back from his eyes. “I just really hate you.”

“Join the club,” Lone chimed in, earning two middle fingers from the smaller wolf. “Let’s go, before you two assholes end up either shooting each other or screwing each other, or both, because I know Mahihko’s capable of all three.”

“The challenge is doing them simultaneously,” Mahihko chirped, winking as he trotted toward the center of the canyon. He glanced over his shoulder to the roof of the base, but the three soldiers were nowhere to be seen. He shrugged and gazed forward once more. “Guess we’re on our own.”

“We might have had a chance of getting some help if you didn’t break every possible variation of the Prime Directive when we got here,” Lone replied moodily as he idly checked the small packs miraculously still attached to his hip and thigh.

“The hell is a Prime Directive?” his counterpart demanded. “That sounds like cop-talk.” Mahihko squinted at the other wolf, leaning forward slightly. “You a cop? You been a cop all these years? You gotta tell me if you’re a cop! Entrapment! Also I have sex-tapes of us, I will burn you to the ground!”

“That’s…no. I’m not a cop, and. No. Stop quoting movies. That’s not how it works,” Lone responded tiredly before blinking a few times. “Wait, you recorded us?”

“Always assume the camera is rolling!” Mahihko announced loudly, jabbing a finger into the air emphatically. “I only need a waiver if I try to sell it!”

“Also not true,” the other lupine sighed. “And you really don’t know what the Prime Directive is? How the hell do you know what a croo-pee-ay is, but not know about Star Trek?”

“Because I’m not a nerd,” Mahihko shot back easily. “Also, give Secretariat your back-holster so he doesn’t have to keep holding his gun like a rookie porn star doing his first double-handy.”

“I’m not a nerd, you’re a nerd,” Lone mumbled. “Star Trek is the shit. And um…I mean…it’s…my holster, though.” He glanced up at Riffraff uncomfortably, receiving an equally awkward look from the even-larger male. “I mean. You know. It’s made for…my size. And he’s…bigger?”

“Yeah he is!” Mahihko purred, licking his lips and stepping closer to the equine to make him hurriedly back away once more. “Stop being a baby. He’s not going to steal your precious butt-pocket. Because that’s basically what it is. A pocket for your gun, on your butt.”

Lone sighed again, rubbing slowly at the bridge of his muzzle but grudgingly undoing his belt with his other hand to remove the holster above his tail. “Fine, fine.”

“What are these names you keep calling me?” Riffraff asked, though his hesitance made it clear he wasn’t sure he wanted to know. He reached out for the leather holster when the white-furred lupine offered it, tucking the shotgun under one arm as he examined the simple accessory. “I’m not familiar with them and...I don’t know if you’re insulting me or not.” He didn’t find it overly difficult to piece together how it worked, taking a moment to undo his own belt and string it into place at the base of his spine.

Mahihko reached out automatically to help guide the horse’s huge hands as he made the first attempt at holstering the sawn-off, giving an amused smile as he did so. “Guess you guys don’t have the Triple Crown in your world, eh? Let’s just say that in our dimension, horses are known for two things. Running races and huge co—”

Lone groaned, swiftly cutting off the smaller wolf. “My gods, you are impossible. You lead the way, so you can get shot first.” He gestured grumpily with one arm, sweeping it with mock graciousness in front of himself.

“Touchy, touchy!” Mahihko snickered and then gave Riffraff’s rump a firm slap as he pranced past. The enormous equine yelped in shock, hopping forward and immediately blushing once more. “Alright, boys. Into the breach, let’s go find his ménage a trois, have a fivesome, and then figure out how to get back home.” He began to wander into the dusty canyon basin, his paws guiding him toward a small patch of green in the midst of the desert-like surroundings. “And don’t forget! I still gotta see me some alien dicks!”

 Lone shook his head slowly, giving the speechless equine a helpless look and half-heartedly motioning after his companion. “Well uh. Let’s…get going, then. I’ll watch the rear, I guess. ‘Hiko’s better at navigating than me, anyway, much as I hate to admit it.”

“We’re going to die,” remarked Riffraff, his tone surprisingly calm. “I’ve said that a lot these last few weeks. It hasn’t happened yet, but you two are just as insane as Graceful and Amdusias. And now we’re on another world. So we’re going to die, and we’re don’t even know where it is that we’re going to die.”

“We…might not die,” Lone replied lamely. “Just because we ended up in the middle of a war zone doesn’t mean we’re gonna die.”

Riffraff rolled his eyes, giving Lone a mild look over one shoulder. “I know you’re trying to reassure me. I hate to tell you that I’m afraid it isn’t working.”

“Yeah, well…yeah, okay, fair enough,” Lone muttered. “You’re not wrong. This blows.”

Ahead of them, Mahihko had just reached the leafy tree that stood next to a large boulder among a collection of wild grasses and shrubs. As he turned to call back to his companions, his ears suddenly swiveled toward the entrance to the canyon and his slender frame went stiffly alert. His periwinkle eyes narrowed slightly and he instinctively ducked behind the boulder while gesturing rapidly to the other two. “Get over here!” he hissed. “I hear something coming!”

Riffraff seemed less than convinced, frowning a bit but then widening his eyes in surprise when Lone grabbed his arm and yanked him forward to the shabby cover of the irregular boulder. “I don’t hear—oh.”

He could now make out what the wolves’ more sensitive ears had picked up – it sounded almost…familiar. His frown grew deeper and he couldn’t resist poking his head around the rock to if his hearing was playing a trick on him. Neither lupine moved to stop him, as they were both peering over the top, themselves.

The distant whine became louder and louder, burgeoning into a growling roar that echoed through the otherwise quiet box canyon. The small plume of dust rising up beyond the tree line made it almost impossible to imagine anything other than a motorized vehicle…and sure enough, an open-topped transport came tearing into the distant end of the valley a moment later, a single driver behind the wheel of the armored cruiser.

Lone focused immediately on the soldier in the driver’s seat, taking in what he could despite the surrounding clouds of dust and what he imagined was likely an unsafe speed for the jeep-like vehicle. It was another one of the ‘chupadore’ creatures, though this one appeared older than the ones they’d met so far. His hair was grey and cropped short – a far more military-appropriate style than any of the so-called ‘Blue’ soldiers. Both his armor and hide were red, though, leading Lone to assume he would be driving directly to their destination. The other three were much younger…maybe this guy’s a leader. Or just some old dog of war still in the game…guess it wouldn’t be a shock if this world really is in a constant state of conflict…

Mahihko, on the other hand, had his eyes glued to the mounted artillery. It looked almost like a minigun or oversized Vulcan cannon, complete with the shielded belt of ammunition feeding into one side. Even their weapons don’t seem all that alien, at least not the ones we’ve seen so far. A chaingun is a chaingun “Whoever this guy is, we should steal that gun for Riffraff,” he whispered, cracking a half-smile. “Your little baby shotgun is just so…small in his big horse hands…”

“Shut the fuck up,” Lone grumbled, nonetheless giving Riffraff an awkward glance. “He’s fine. Hoping he doesn’t need to shoot anything, anyway.”

The three of them continued to watch as the chupadore – in full armor, no less, whatever his rank might have been – turned slightly and made a beeline for the opposite base. Lone assumed his guess was correct, and now could only hope that this newcomer and his fellow Red soldiers would be even half as reasonable as the last trio. He leaned forward slightly, squinting at a vague shape in the distance, just ahead of the speeding jeep. Wait, what is that? Can he not see…

As if to answer his incomplete thought, the driver of the armored vehicle blew past the simple barrier, smashing into a wooden sign that had been hanging from the rope. They were too far to have even spotted it, let alone read it, although Lone supposed it must have not been that important for the driver to have simply driven through it. Or maybe he’s just in a hurry?

The two wolves both relaxed somewhat, Lone moving to the side of the boulder as Mahihko pulled himself up to a crouch atop the warm stone, keeping his stance low. Riffraff glanced at his companions curiously, allowing his own body to calm slightly. “Are we going to follow that vehicle in?”

“Might as—”

A thundering explosion interrupted Mahihko’s carefree response as all three heads whipped around in surprise to stare at a sudden expulsion of flame, detritus and smoking steel from the area just in front of the distant concrete structure. The ground shook from the force of the impact and the smaller lupine guessed some sort of landmine had been triggered, judging by the massive pillar of sand and dirt that billowed upward from around where the military vehicle was last seen. “Holy fuck,” Lone remarked, slowly moving back behind the rock but unable to tear his eyes away. “Did…that dude just get blown up by his own team?”

But somehow – perhaps even miraculously? – the sound that followed the unexpected boom and subsequent screech of metal was a voice, gruff and defiant as it pierced through the thick cloud of smoke: “Grr…confounded furgledurgler!” Is he…alive??

The three strangers all shared a confused glance before staring in disbelief as a figure emerged from the billowing smoke with no visible signs of injury. It was the same chupadore that had been driving the vehicle, somehow unharmed, with nothing beyond some charred smudges across his battle-worn armor. The older male didn’t even look all that shell-shocked – rather, his expression seemed…grumpy.

A slight breeze had kicked up, helping push away the bulk of the dust and smoke to reveal the now-inverted armored jeep. Its massive tires were still slowly spinning as a steady stream of black smoke rose up from the engine. The explosion from the mine had apparently caused it to flip, though by some phenomenon, the driver seemingly escaped with hardly a scratch. But rather than be grateful to be alive, the stocky grey-haired chupadore looked supremely grouchy as he gave his likely-totaled vehicle a once-over, his hands on his hips while he continued to mutter under his breath.

“Sir! Are you okay?!?”

Mahihko’s eyes narrowed and in a single movement, he let himself slide backward atop the boulder to drop behind it once more. Probably not a good idea to go running out now…let’s see what we’re dealing with on the other side, first… He nodded once to Lone, and the lupines settled back into observing for the time being. Riffraff was more than content to simply follow their lead, licking his lips nervously and hoping his companions hadn’t encountered a fate similar to the scene that had just unfolded before them.



Graceful snapped awake as the curse left his tongue on instinct more than effort. He immediately regretted the movement, however, clutching his head with a low hiss of pain and shutting his eyes tightly. He’d been stirred violently from his unconsciousness and wasn’t yet sure why, nor did he care at the moment. “Fuck…my brain feels scrambled,” he muttered, automatically searching out his pack of cigarettes with his free hand. He managed to light one with minimal effort even as he continued cradling his forehead, teeth clenched around the smoldering cylinder in a vain effort to drive back the agony.

“I would wager by the increase in foul language that you, too, have awakened.”

Amdusias’s voice floated into the pony’s ears – somehow soothing, as always, despite the pulsing ache behind Graceful Melody’s temples. The diminutive equine frowned immensely but grunted in reluctant relief. He forced himself to sit up on the uncomfortable mattress, swinging his legs slowly around to plant his hooves against the cool concrete flooring. “Yeah, I’m up. Now for fuck’s sake, get me the fuck out of here.”

“Were it so simple,” the demon intoned from the adjacent cell, his tone only slightly less caustic than the pony’s. “As your body and mind are still recovering, thus are my own. We both strained ourselves to an inordinate degree to make the bridge to this strange world.” There was a pause before a strange, muted rapping came from the demon’s cell. “This mysterious blue force blocking the smaller entry is…not permeable. It is some kind of solid light energy. I cannot affect it, at least not in my current state.”

Graceful scowled and exhaled impatiently through his nostrils despite finding it difficult to even stand, let alone stomp up to the front of the cell and demand compliance. His eyes glanced toward the translucent barrier between the wall of the cell and the bars at the front, imagining the alien technology was manipulated by a remote switch or panel of some kind. “So you can’t use your magic. Fine. You’re still a lumbering hulk, or do you keep forgettin’ that? Just bend this shit wide and get us free. Ain’t no sign of guards, and there are plenty of bars that ain’t covered in this blue mess.”

“I cannot physically force myself through, either,” Amdusias muttered, now sounding almost embarrassed.

“What, is it iron, or somethin’ like it?” Graceful frowned again, idly wondering if there would be new, foreign resources here in this strange world that would also be detrimental to the demon’s physical form. That’s the last thing we need…more hazards for the fallen angel to avoid…

“No,” Amdusias answered stiffly before sighing, a dull thud echoing from his cell that Graceful imagined to be the demon’s head slumping against the wall. “I am…extremely weak right now, little one. My last manipulation of energy depleted me nearly entirely. It is very exhausting to stop even one projectile, let alone three.”

“Well ain’t that peachy,” Graceful Melody grumbled, massaging his forehead as he puffed angrily on the stale cigarette. “Wait a tick…” He slowly looked down at himself, realizing only now that not only was his overcoat still hanging from his slight shoulders, but it still had the same weight that he’d long ago become accustomed to. Don’t tell me these schmucks forgot… Biting lightly on the smoldering butt to hold it steady, he reached into his trench coat while continuing to cradle his forehead…and emitted a guttural laugh a moment later as he produced his battered handgun. He marveled at it for a moment, shaking his head slowly in disbelief before remarking loud enough for his confined companion to hear: “These buffoons didn’t even take my piece. The hell kind of soldiers don’t disarm their captives?”

“The kind of soldiers who probably do not wish to be soldiers,” Amdusias replied mildly. “These…familiar and yet alien creatures do not strike me as particularly…and forgive me for this…aggressive.” Graceful immediately pursed his lips, causing a cascade of ash to spill over his chest. “I can feel your scowl from through these walls,” the demon grumbled. “But I beg you to listen. Let us consider the manner in which we appeared before them. If they are, in fact, currently at war, and if we did, in fact, startle them enough that they believed we were either enemy spies or simply an unexpected threat…it is not so difficult to imagine that frayed nerves and radicalized expectations encouraged a violent reaction.”

“Sure, I don’t blame ‘em for trying to get the drop on us on the roof,” the pony countered, tapping the barrel of his pistol against the bedframe idly. “That was a heated moment. But why the hell they try to perforate you when you wandered inside to ask for help, eh? Unless you came in doin’ your fire-breathin’ act, full of brimstone and fancy-fury, I find it rather discourteous of ‘em to make a run at shooting up my demon.”

“I am not your demon,” Amdusias responded snippily before sighing. Graceful heard the tell-tale sound of the reptile’s long, two-tipped tail rapping quietly against the wall – a sure sign that the demonic entity was about to present a thought that likely wouldn’t fit the equine’s mindset. “I do not believe it was the initial intent of that flaxen-haired fellow to discharge his weapon. I am fairly certain the larger of the three shouted something to extricate the murderous instinct of his compatriot.”

“That boy ain’t no ‘fellow’,” grumbled the equine. “But I suppose considering how Tubby was acting up top, I could believe he coaxed the dandy into taking a shot. He’s got a mouth on him.”

“And you are a renowned judge of mouths,” Amdusias deadpanned, earning a low chuckle from his equine companion. “Perhaps you can put your own to good use and secure our safe passage from these confines.”

Graceful barked out a laugh despite himself. “I don’t know if you mean some sweet-talkin’, or sweet-lickin’, but I suppose I’ll give ‘em both a try if I can’t just shoot my way out…wouldn’t be the first time for either…”


“Now which one of you knuckleheads let me drive straight into a mine field?!”

The three Reds shared an awkward glance before Donut cleared his throat and tilted his head slightly. “I put out a sign!”

This earned the pink-armored chupadore a firm squint from the veteran soldier prior to him turning around and only then noticing the wooden panel lodged into the grill of his overturned vehicle. Donut looked over his shoulder curiously to see Grif rolling his eyes and Simmons showing simply a pained expression. It was quite the introduction to his new CO – the sergeant of Timae’s least valuable Red outpost, aptly known to everyone simply as ‘Sarge’.

The grizzled soldier yanked Donut’s sign free from the front of his damaged vehicle, clutching it in both hands as he leaned forward to examine it. Sure enough, the absurdly neat penmanship spelled out “Mine Field, KEEP OUT!”, complete with little hearts over the i’s. “Hrm…so you did,” Sarge muttered, turning toward the younger males and then gesturing expressively to the sign. “Private! This isn’t regulation font! No wonder I couldn’t read it!”

“Or maybe you need to get your eyes checked for some regulation glasses,” Grif quipped, promptly wincing as Sarge chucked the broken sign at his head.

“Can it, Grif!” the sergeant growled. He was cut off before he could continue, however, when Simmons quickly stepped forward with both hands held up.

“Uh, sir! Sorry to interrupt, but uh…I think we have something bigger on our hands than Grif being an ass…”

“Simmons! You know there’s nothin’ on Omega’s big round ring bigger than Grif’s ass!” Sarge retorted.

The orange chupa scowled but otherwise seemed unimpressed by the insult. Simmons, on the other hand, completely ignored it as he jabbed a finger repeatedly at his damaged chest-plate. “Sir! Two…aliens showed up!”

“Aliens? Son, I been all around this planet and I killed just about everything at least once, and I can tell you without a doubt there ain’t no durned aliens on this world! Else I woulda shot one by now!”

“I think that’s the point of aliens,” Grif remarked dryly. “They aren’t from this world. And you know I make it a point to never agree with Simmons, but...for once, he’s not just being a weird nerd. There’s two guys in the brig, which means I think we’ve earned a week off, sir.”

Sarge’s eyes widened slightly, giving Grif’s usual sarcastic tone the usual lack of response. “Hot dog, did you miserable rookies finally catch us a coupla Blues?! And you were savin’ the interrogation for me?”

“Not…exactly, sir,” Simmons replied slowly before pointing at his dented armor once more. “I don’t…think they’re with the Blues, but one of them did shoot me! Like…six times!”

Sarge bent forward to examine Simmons’s damaged armor, bellowing out a hearty guffaw. “Simmons, I really didn’t think ya had it in ya! But look at this, your first real battle damage! You’re a man, now, son! I think I might actually be proud of you!”


 Riffraff’s eyes widened from behind the boulder, reaching back blindly with one arm to grab one of the wolves’ tails. Lone barely managed to muffle his surprised squawk and glared over his shoulder, but the horse was still staring at the four alien creatures as he whispered frantically: “Did you hear that? They have them! That has to be them, Graceful always shoots first…and it sounds as if they’re still alive, too!”

“Yeah, yeah, we heard it too,” Lone grumbled, yanking his tail out of Riffraff’s grip before peering past the rock to watch the slender red chupadore flailing his arms while shouting about ‘huge demons’ and ‘stolen tea’. “Thing is, I don’t exactly think we’d get a warm welcome if we came tromping out right now…the dude who just got blown up by a land mine seems like he might be a little…violent.”

“All of you are a little violent,” Riffraff mumbled, fidgeting a bit. “Please…we need to do something…”

“Yeah, we do!” Mahihko exclaimed cheerfully. “And I got just the plan, baby!” He grinned broadly as the other two gave him a doubtful look. “We just need…” He paused and slipped close to Lone, making the larger wolf shift awkwardly and flush a bit…before his embarrassment turned to grouchiness when he realized the slender male’s hand was buried in his hip pouch. “This!”

“Stop going through my stuff, you thief,” Lone replied in a sullen tone before blinking as he noticed Mahihko was holding a cylindrical object in his hand. “Hey, is that a…no wait, I don’t carry grenades. How did…that…”

“Sweetie, if I had to carry all my own shit, I’d never be able to wear these fantastic outfits,” the feminine lupine reasoned before winking confidently. “Thank you for unwillingly hauling my luggage, sugarlips. Now! Time to put those big, sexy muscles to good use!”

Lone rolled his eyes but held out his hand grudgingly…only to look more than a little hurt when Mahihko shoved the grenade into Riffraff’s palm. “That’s…wow. Rude,” the toned wolf uttered.

“Sorry, darling! You’re a beautiful specimen, but ah…” Mahihko cleared his throat before making finger-guns at his scowling companion. “Ya just ain’t strong enough!”

Riffraff looked at the cylinder in his hand uncomfortably. “Remember when I talked about not being a gangster? Yes, I believe a grenade is even worse than a shotgun.”

“Eh, calm your tits, it’s a smoke grenade! We ain’t gonna kill anyone, at least not now,” the smaller wolf explained before peeking over the top of the boulder once more. “No time to argue! These boys look like they’re about to head inside, and if you’re truly scared ‘bout your buddies, it’s now or never, my friend!”

Riffraff exhaled slowly, frowning immensely and staring at the cylindrical device again and then looking toward the four soldiers, concern etching across his features. “And Lone, you still have a super-important job,” Mahihko added smoothly, flashing a winning smile at his still-grumpy partner. “We need YOU to go shoot your gun, like…over there somewhere,” he paused to gesture vaguely at the edge of the box canyon. “You know, somewhere over there. Once the grenade goes off! So!” He clapped his hands together and glanced between the two taller males. “Our big friend Riffraff throws the grenade, doesn’t suck, gets it close to the furry lizard people things, Lone runs as fast as his manly legs can carry him ONCE it goes poof, distracts them with a couple bang-bangs, and then I make the introductions. Got it? Yes? Yes?”

Lone tried to protest almost immediately, but Mahihko simply reached over and yanked the pin out of the smoke grenade, holding it up with a toothy grin. “Hope so!”

“Oh dear,” Riffraff stammered, eyes widening slowly as he stared first at the unnaturally upbeat thief, then at the much-less-composed explorer; Lone’s expression about matched the horse’s, both their faces blank with shock.

“I’d probably go ahead and give that little puppy a real nice throw in about…oh…right about now,” Mahihko announced kindly as he tossed the pin over his shoulder with a solemn nod.

“Gods be damned,” the horse groaned, gripping the small device tightly and focusing on the soldiers for a moment. He felt a familiar spark race through his massive frame and he closed his eyes. Lone caught this, but hardly had time to do more than give a horrified face as the equine blindly hurled the grenade over the boulder. He didn’t even look!


“Well color me unbamboozled!” Sarge exclaimed. “Simmons here took one for the team! And--”

“It was actually six, sir,” the crimson chupadore mumbled.

“Six inches, maybe,” Grif interjected with a smirk.

“Shut it, Grif! And then our new recruit discharged his weapon at the intruders! All while the resident jerkoff sat around with his thumb up his ass!” The older soldier barked out a laugh. “You didn’t even have the decency to get shot in the face!”

“And I’d be happy to help anyone else discharge their weapon if they need a hand, too!” Donut chimed in excitedly.

“Now that’s the spirit!” Sarge replied with a clenched fist and broad grin, while Grif and Simmons made matching faces of disgust. “Grif! Since you’re still the failure of the group, get this mess cleaned up! We’re gonna go interrogate us an alien!”

Grif opened his muzzle to offer some witty rejoinder, but was stunned into silence when a metal object dropped squarely onto his forehead. His retort became a yelp of shock and slight pain and all three of his cohorts turned to him in confusion as the cylinder bounced off of his face.

“Oh shi-”

A dull pop made all four soldiers flinch automatically before the grenade rapidly expelled a thick cloud of off-white smoke even before it hit the ground. “Smoke, it’s just a smoke grenade!” Simmons yelled to no one in particular as the chupadores moved closer together instinctively.


Lone almost missed his cue, having been so distracted by the weirdly perfect placement of the grenade by the tall horse. It took a firm shove from Mahihko to send him stumbling out from behind the boulder the moment the non-lethal device began to spew its payload, and he nearly tripped before turning it into a sloppy sprint toward a cluster of straggly trees at the edge of the basin. He unholstered his handgun with a grimace, not liking how far he was from the pitiful cover but knowing he had to cause the distraction sooner rather than later. He glanced back toward the boulder in time to see Mahihko scrambling over the top and flinging himself forward in an exaggerated leap. Lone cursed under his breath but immediately yanked the pistol’s trigger three times, sending the rounds screaming several feet above the growing plume of thick smoke and hoping the startling reports would cover his partner’s acrobatics.

Mahihko landed smoothly but still tucked his slender frame into a quick somersault before sprinting toward the strange creatures as he heard their confused voices clamoring over one another. Lone’s distraction worked better than he intended – the definitive sound of a shotgun burst out of the blinding haze, scattering motes of smoke wildly for a moment before they quickly collapsed back onto themselves. The shot went considerably wide, but the larger wolf still winced and dove for the cover of the vegetation ahead of him.

“It’s gotta be those dirty Blues!” the older male’s voice proclaimed from within the cloud of smoke. “They never fight fair! Take this, you grubby bastards!”

Mahihko’s ears caught the unmistakable sound of a pump-action cycling and he swiftly leapt to the side a moment before another roar sent a load of buckshot flying out of the smoke and into empty air. This guy’s somethin’ else!

“Holy shit, Sarge, you’re gonna shoot one of us!” one of them shouted between coughing fits.

“Only if you do a better job getting in my way!”

The feminine wolf smiled amusedly despite himself, quickly pulling up the tied-together sleeves of his sweater to cover his nose and muzzle before producing a slim pair of goggles seemingly from nowhere and slipping them over his eyes. He was able to spot one figure near the edge of the cloud, waving his arms wildly and almost clear of the smoke and it was just enough of a glimpse to let him dart past, barely avoiding contact with a flailing arm. He crouched low and glanced around to spot the shadow of a soldier with both arms extended, the vague silhouette of a handgun swinging back and forth in the thick swirls of smoke. There’s one.

Mahihko ducked under a sweep of the soldier’s arms, then quickly shifted to the side and held up a hand to delicately catch the barrel of the gun as it swung back toward him. “Simmons! Is that you?!? Should I shoot?!”

“For fuck’s sake, no!” choked out the voice Mahihko assumed belonged to Simmons and he took the moment of confusion to deftly wrap his fingers around the end of the handgun and firmly jerk it upward. It came free of the pink-armored soldier’s grip with little resistance and the wolf quickly tossed it to his other hand as he slid toward the owner of the shotgun.

“Hey! That’s my gun, give it back!” cried the soldier before he broke into a coughing fit. Mahihko ignored the jumble of confused responses from the other soldiers, instead focusing on the eldest of the four as he shoved the stolen handgun into the front of his waistband. The smoke was slowly beginning to dissipate and so he decided to do what came naturally and simply reached around to firmly grab one of the sergeant’s buttocks.

“Sweet mother of a swamp-thing! Grif, stop trying to steal my cookies! How’s about a face-full of buckshot to go with that fistful of my ass!?” As the shape of the older male shifted around furiously, Mahihko saw the long barrel of the shotgun whip through the smoke just in front of him. And there’s two. Suspecting a much tighter grip from this veteran, the agile lupine snapped a leg up in a rapid kick to the blinded soldier’s wrist, resulting in a surprised grunt from his target. He immediately reached up with both hands to grasp the shotgun by the middle, twisting it toward him while yanking backward at the same time and being rewarded with a horrified yell from the gun’s owner. “My baby!”

Mahihko quickly backpedaled, reaching up with one hand to remove the goggles as he backed out of the disorienting cloud. He let the simple eyewear drop down onto one arm to hang loosely as he shook his muzzle free of the turtleneck’s protective shroud. The shotgun was exceptionally heavy, but he just managed to heft it up with his dominant hand as the other plucked the stolen handgun out of his waistband, leveling it at an incidental angle as he waited patiently for the smoke to settle.

“Okay, what the actual fuck is going on?” the orange-furred creature shouted, managing to stumble free of the disappearing plume before any of his compatriots. “What kind of stupid…uh…oh shit…” His voice trailed off when he noticed Donut’s magnum pointed at his head, staring stupidly at the beaming lupine.

“Grif, I swear on your soon-to-be-dug grave, if you have your grubby fingers on my…HOT SNAKES IN A COOKIE JAR, it’s a GOT-DAMN WEREWOLF!”

Mahihko laughed despite himself but gamely kept the shotgun aimed toward the older male, continuing to wait calmly for the other two alien creatures to wave the last of the smoke away. The blond-haired one noticed him first, letting out a high-pitched shriek and immediately clinging to his companion, who was shocked enough that he gave his own undignified yell even as he tried to wrestle his arm free from the other male’s tight grip. The wolf grinned broadly at this, half-waving the handgun in a cheerful gesture. “Well, hi there!”


Grif lifted his hands automatically, even as he remarked with no small amount of annoyance: “Holy shit, there really are more of you.”

“Grif, I knew it! You traitorous bastard!” Sarge yelled, taking a step not toward the alien creature holding his weapon, but toward the orange-hued chupadore. “How could you? Oh, I always knew you’d disappoint me more than ever before, but workin’ with goldarn SPIES for the BLUES?”

The petite wolf cleared his throat, gesturing with the shotgun a few times in Sarge’s direction. “Yeah, hey, look – we’re just talking, ‘kay? No need to get nasty. I think we’ve got enough of a grasp of the situation ‘round here, so uh…” He paused and whistled loudly over his shoulder before turning back to the four chupas with a winning smile. “We aren’t Blues. In fact, we aren’t even from around here.”

Sarge screwed up his muzzle, leaning forward slightly with a suspicious squint. “You squirrelies?”

“I don’t…believe so?” the lupine replied slowly, looking somewhat confused for the first time. “Never been accused of that, at least?”

As he spoke, another wolf wandered toward them from a tiny grove of trees, as an even-larger figure poked his head around the boulder that sat in the middle of the canyon.

“What in tarnation is going on?!” Sarge barked, looking between the trio with a deep frown. “Simmons! You tryin’ to tell me these are aliens?!? Don’t look like no damn aliens I seen on the TV before, these boys look soft!” He eyed the smallest of the three once again, locking onto his shotgun and grumbling, “Don’t think a little fuzzy thing like you can handle a real man’s weapon, now that I get a good look atcha.”

“Hey now, old timer! I might be a svelte li’l side-piece, but physics is physics – you’ll still get a real nasty diagnosis of shotgun-to-the-face even if it breaks my arm afterward,” reasoned the confident lupine. “But seriously! We ain’t here to start some shit.”

“Then why don’t you put the guns down?” Simmons suggested nervously, rubbing a hand self-consciously across his perforated chest-plate. “I would really like to not be shot again.”

The lithe wolf chortled, giving an amused shake of his head as he looked over his shoulder at the approaching horse. “You hear that, Riffraff? Sounds like your little pony boyfriend already had himself a party without us.”

“If by ‘party’, you mean ‘shooting at anything that moves’, then no, I’m not at all shocked to hear that,” the muscular equine mumbled, his expression almost sheepish as if embarrassed for the behavior of his tiny, angry companion.

Oooooh, that’s a much bigger horse,” Donut noted with a particular lilt in his tone that made Simmons yank his arm away violently, the black-maned chupa hurriedly stepping away from his enamored compatriot. “I like these aliens!”

The smallest of the three strange creatures grinned broadly again as he sized up the chupadore in the pink armor before he waved the large magnum toward the soldiers. “Oh, I know what will help calm all these tits!” he proclaimed while Simmons quickly ducked behind Grif, his eyes locked warily onto the pistol. “Introductions! Everyone likes introductions.”

“Nobody likes introductions, you weird spaz,” Grif retorted, even as he grimaced and leaned slightly away when the lupine peered directly at him, very purposefully aiming the stolen handgun at the paunchy soldier’s groin. “Please don’t shoot me in the junk, tiny space dog,” he added awkwardly, lifting his hands for the second time that day.

“A dog? A dog?” The slender male huffed dramatically and struck a pose, holding the magnum to his chest and swinging the shotgun wide. “I am a wolf, you adorable furry mandarin. And my name is Mahihko.” He tilted his muzzle toward the enormous horse, the multiple piercings along his jaw gleaming with his words: “This big boy is Riffraff, and he’s not with us. Well I mean, he is, but he’s not from the same place we are. We just got lucky as hell to be gifted with such an Adonis, am I right? I mean LOOK at him! And this…” He tapped the taller, more-muscular lupine with the tip of the enormous weapon, making him flinch backward with a horrible expression. “Is Lone. He’s my pack-mule.”

“I am not just a pack-mule!” Lone seethed, shoving the shotgun away from himself and stepping forward with a scowl, crossing his arms moodily. “Also, you guys look exactly like the other guys, other than your colors. What the hell is this war about, fuckin’…racism or some shit?”

“Just…just like…JUST LIKE THE BLUES?” Sarge sputtered, stomping forward to thrust a fist toward the white-furred lupine. Mahihko lazily pointed the shotgun at the angry chupadore again, raising one eyebrow slightly when the older male snorted and jabbed a finger at him instead. “We ain’t nothin’ like those dirty Blues! And this ain’t the first time I had a gun trained on me, son! And I doubt it’ll be the last! So if you ain’t gonna pull that trigger, gimme back my weapon and let me show you how it’s done!”

“Oh, I like this one, he’s feisty!” Mahihko commented brightly. “Sure, you can have your gun back! Ya gotta promise not to shoot us, though. Also, we gave you our names, so it’s only polite that –”

Riffraff stepped forward hesitantly, cutting off the feminine wolf with a mix of sheepishness and urgency. “Uh…excuse me? Is…is Graceful Melody okay? He’s um…he’s the…little…”

“The little asshole that tried to kill me?” Simmons provided, frowning immensely. “Why is it that all the shortest of you…alien-things is the most violent?”

“Hey, I haven’t shot anyone yet!” the slender lupine complained. “Don’t you get all heightist on top of being racist, lumping all us little bastards together.”

Simmons gave a pained look, his eyes continuing to trace toward the two guns in Mahihko’s grip. “Uh huh. Sure.” He made a face but then glanced back to the towering equine, seeming to note the genuine concern on his features. “Yeah, uh…yeah, that…scary pony guy and his giant dragon-thing are locked up in the cells.”

“Simmons! I thought you were loyal! Now you gone and given up our greatest bargaining chips to these space-critters!” Sarge bemoaned, shaking both fists toward the wiry burgundy-colored chupadore. “Now we got nothin’ to stop them from probin’ us, gat-dammit!”

Oooh, when do we get to do the probing?!?” Donut asked, hopping from paw to paw eagerly as he clasped his hands together. “I’ll go first, Sarge!”

Sarge pumped a fist into the air with a laugh. “Now that’s what I call dedication! Take notes, Grif! I don’t even know this new private’s name, and he’s already offering to gather intelligence so we know what to expect from the enemy!”

“I’m one-hundred percent sure that’s not what Donut meant,” Grif muttered, finally letting his hands drop to his sides.

“We’re…we’re really not here to do that,” Lone began awkwardly, before being rapidly shushed by his smaller companion.

“Hey, hey, hey, you don’t know that, maybe we are!” Mahihko nodded several times before winking at Donut. “We’re open to suggestions.” He then turned toward Sarge, glancing over him for a moment. “So! You guys totally failed your part of the introductions, but luckily, I’m a great detective, so I can guess you’re Sarge, the fluffy one is Grif, the scared one is Simmons and the cute, pink one is Donut?”

“It’s lightish-red!” Donut protested, though he still wiggled his clawed fingers at the white-and-black wolf with a titter. “But thank you! I love your piercings!”

Mahihko flashed his teeth in a broad grin. “Honey, you play your cards right and you can see the rest of ‘em! But! Onto business!” Without further thought, the lithe lupine tossed the shotgun into the air, grabbing it by the barrel and then offering the butt of the weapon to the veteran chupadore, meeting his steely gaze calmly.

Lone’s eyes widened and he stumbled forward to stop the smaller wolf, only to be halted when Mahihko idly pointed the magnum at him with a playful smile, even as he continued to speak to the soldiers: “We’d really like to get our friends out. And we’d like to do it without anyone else getting shot.”

“Please don’t point that at me, you don’t even know how their guns work,” Lone mumbled as he crossed his arms disconsolately. “You’ll lose all your street cred if you accidentally shoot me in the face.”

“Not to mention you won’t have a face anymore,” Mahihko added helpfully. “Which would be creepy.”

Sarge only hesitated for a moment before yanking his shotgun out of the wolf’s grip and immediately cycling the pump to clear the chamber and load a fresh round. He leveled it at the short-statured male, squinting and looking almost like he was hoping for a reason – any reason – to pull the trigger. Mahihko turned toward him but remained calm, eyeing the grey-maned soldier coolly. The chupadore narrowed his eyes further, letting out a low, slow growl as he slipped a finger into the trigger ring and steadied his stance. The entire group found themselves freezing in awkward silence, sharing slow, uncomfortable glances.

Letting out a frustrated snarl, the stocky soldier finally hauled the shotgun upward and swung the barrel away from the small creature’s head. “Got…damn…little…smaggersmogging…how am I supposed to shoot you when ya ain’t even gonna point yer gun at me?” he complained, gnashing his teeth together. “It’s like aiming at a goldarn child! A puppy-child! Why are you so tiny! It’s just unfair!”

Everyone breathed out a collective wheeze of relief as Mahihko chuckled and shrugged amusedly. “Don’t judge a book by its cover, cap’n. I compensate where it counts.” With that, he spun the magnum around in his hand, gripping it by the enlarged, square barrel and holding it out to Donut. “Worth keepin’ that in mind,” he added easily as the light-red chupadore giggled and took back his firearm with both hands.

“What a lovely little gentleman!” the effeminate chupa gushed, clutching the pistol to his chest and making both Simmons and Grif shuffle back to avoid having the barrel point at them yet again. “We could use more manners like yours around here!”

“Don’t get too excited, he’s a nasty little bitch when he wants to be,” Lone grumbled, his body relaxing at last. He stepped forward to join his smaller companion and then jerked his head toward Riffraff when the towering equine nervously approached. “Since it seems like we’re not all gonna shoot each other at the moment, can we please go see his friends before he explodes and kills us all?”

“Great flaming wombats! You aliens are explosive, too?!” Sarge exclaimed, staring at Riffraff and receiving an equally shocked expression. “Grif, you idiot! You’re gonna get our base blown up! We gotta get those bastards outta there!”

With that, the veteran soldier spun around and jogged toward the base as his fellow chupadores looked at each other for a moment. “The hell did I do?” Grif grumbled before rolling his eyes as his compatriots followed the sergeant. He turned toward them, then paused and sighed, glancing over his shoulder at the three alien creatures. “Well, c’mon. Faster you get your stupid friends out, faster I can go back to avoiding work…”

Red vs Blue © Rooster Teeth. Halo © 343 Industries. Concept by Myshu, assisted by The Department of Chupapology.

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