Part 1: Sunset

It was the last place Wash wanted to be. Stuck in a vehicle with a several-hour drive ahead, members of his team injured...no, his partner injured...not to mention the fact he was going to be plying Nelson for assistance based on what they'd discovered. Tex was off to god knew where. He barely had a signal as it was, so he was limited in what he could even do on top of being caged up in the back of a transport truck.

Well. Maybe he could make some notes, start planning his pitch to Nelson; he already knew it was going to be a nightmare considering the last time he and Nelson had talked, he was tearing into her for Samael's stunt with the Red outpost in Qoppa. It hadn't exactly left them on the most friendly of terms. But fuck, they needed their help...there was no way around that, this was too big, the implications were--

He blinked at the thick fingers that curled around his wrist and he glanced over his shoulder to where York had pushed himself up to sit against the side of the transport. They were the only two in the back but it didn't stop Wash from shifting awkwardly...even if he didn't pull away. "York?"

The myriad thoughts swirling through his mind faded away when he looked at his partner. He wanted to be relieved by the sight of York, like he always had been before...but he couldn't be this time. He felt only guilt and dull self-loathing when he looked at him as the last several hours flashed past. The fresh scarring over his eye...an eye that no longer saw, that was milky and pale, the vibrant green overtaken by a dull ivory that lacked all the soul and life that York represented to Wash. His breath caught in his throat and he tried to swallow, tasting bile and regret and feeling the stab of the somehow-harsher reality that he knew York didn't blame him. It hurt that much more because of it.

"Wash...can we talk?"

Wash's eyes closed and he turned partially away, but was unable to bring himself to tear his arm free. "York, I'm...I'm busy. I have to plan for this meeting, and what we do next...and you need to rest, you're. You should still be in a gurney, you shouldn't even be up like this..."

York's fingers squeezed slowly into his wrist and tugged oh-so-gently at his arm. "You know CT's already talking to Nelson in the other truck. And I know you've already been planning the last hour or two since we left FHQ..." Wash refused to look, but he could feel York's gaze on him, full of affection and tenderness that he didn't deserve. No matter what York had told him before. He wasn't worthy, not after...this. After this fuck-up that had nearly cost them the life of one of their best fighters, of one of the Movement's most vital members, of...of his best friend. He didn't want to think about it, he didn't even want to imagine that thought.

After everything they'd shared recently, building atop their already powerful bond as battle partners, as best friends...it suddenly felt like the risk was too great. He knew York had told him that it was worth it, that he and Lina weren't meant to be a tale of caution. That he wanted to show Wash why it was worth it. But it didn't change the trembling fear that threatened Wash's heart, the sheer terror of thinking...no, knowing that the worst was yet to come. Bad things didn't just have a chance of happening, they simply happened. And where would that leave him, the next time this came to pass...and York lost more than an eye?

Wash tried to make his intake of breath measured, then slowly turned his gaze back to York. "York, I...I really need, we really need to focus and..."

All it took was another silent tug and Wash found himself taking a step closer to his partner, standing almost between his knees as he stared down into York's faint smile. He tried not to focus on his injured eye again but it was difficult. York took it in easily, reaching up with his other hand to grasp into Wash's upper arm while he looked into his eyes and no doubt saw the torn emotions behind them. "C'mon, Wash. Please. We have time, and...I really want my little buddy." His smile grew a bit and he stroked his thumb over Wash's bicep ."Don't make me guilt-trip you..."

Wash glanced down. "You kind of already are," he murmured before sighing and nodding once. "But okay." He moved to sit next to York, but couldn't stop his huge, stupid puppy of a partner from instead pulling him down into his lap and wrapping his arms around him tightly. "York..."

He felt York's muzzle bury into his neck and he couldn't deny how much he wanted it, needed it. A tremor ran through him, and York snapped it up instantly in that damnable way he always did. His strong arms squeezed him closer and Wash relented, allowing his body to sink back into his companion's gigantic form as he reached up and curled a slender arm around York's head. "I'm sorry, little buddy," York whispered into his fur, making Wash freeze up in surprise. "I don't mean to make you feel guilty..."

Wash grit his teeth but only a stilted sigh whispered out, devoid of any anger and full only of his own relentless self-flagellation. Christ, why...why was he apologizing? This was all Wash's fault, this whole scenario was --

"I know...it's been a long time since you've seen me...do that. And I know you don't like it, or want me to use it." York's voice was low, but every word was crystal clear, each one driving deeper into Wash's heart as he took a ragged breath and slowly clenched his fingers into York's massive forearm. "And what I did to you, what...what I could have done, god, Wash, I can't..." York trembled hard enough that Wash could feel his teeth rattling. "I could have..."

"But you didn't," Wash interrupted, his claws digging into York's arm. He refused to acknowledge the fear he'd felt in that instant, when York was in the trance, when he had no idea if his partner even knew who he was -- he knew it would be unfair to add to York's mounting guilt. "It wasn't your fault...you couldn't stop it. And..." Wash opened his eyes to stare mutely at the opposite wall. He could already feel York's body shifting, curling around him in wordless denial. "And it shouldn't have happened at all. It wouldn't have, if we...if I hadn't..."

"Wash...don't," York murmured, his self-berating vanishing as his embrace tightened around the smaller male. "Don't start down that road."

Wash wanted to listen, wanted to ignore the piercing howls inside his own skull that had hounded him since the first time he'd ever tasted his own blood, before he'd learned to climb that fucking apple tree and take care of himself. But that voice refused to budge, refused to give him a goddamn reprieve from the knowledge that every bad decision he made was just another failure, another tally mark to add to the forest of disappointment that dominated the scoreboard of his whole fucking life. "How can you tell me that, York?" he murmured as his teeth ground together. "How can you tell me not to go down that road? If I hadn't insisted on following her...if I had forced you to stay behind..."

"When's the last time I listened to an order like that, little buddy?" York replied gently, one of his enormous hands rubbing silently over Wash's shoulder.

Wash trembled again. "That's...that's even fucking worse -- it wouldn't have mattered even if I had told you to stay back. You would have been there, either way, and that fucking asshole would have triggered you regardless, and we end up here, again and again and again..." His breath hitched in his chest. "What happens when you don't wake up next time, York?"

There was a few seconds of silence, permeated only by the muffled jar of the truck as it rolled over the odd boulder or divot marking the desolate Qoppa lands. But York eventually squeezed him again. "Then...then I sleep well knowing that I did whatever I could for you, Wash, that this wasn't all for nothing."

Wash's eyes widened before he choked on a sob he refused to release. "No!" He tore out of York's arms and spun around to stare down at him, tears threatening his already-aching eyes. "No, that's not how we do this!" he cried out, throwing his arms to either side as York shifted his gaze away guiltily. "Goddammit, York, I told you I don't want you thinking that way! You...you can't tell me you want to show me why this...this whole...thing between us is worth the risks and then...then fucking tell me it's okay to die as long as I'm okay!" Fury and agony stampeded through him, neck-and-neck, and he struggled to clutch into what self-control he could still feel between his fingers. "You're my partner! You're my goddamn partner and that means we do this together!"

York's eyes spilled the tears Wash couldn't bear to shed. "Wash...I'm not saying...I'm not saying that..."

"You're not saying what?! That you're ready to die for me? You don't have to say it!" Wash bit his lip hard as he stared up and clenched his hands into fists. "You told me this was worth it...you told me we'd get there. Wh-whatever it takes..." He slowly brought his head back down and the tears at last spilled over his cheeks as he swallowed thickly. "You told me you loved me."

York's face blanched and he opened his muzzle before closing it again and staring wordlessly at Wash. And then he slowly pushed himself up to stand as Wash quaked but couldn't react, only able to stand there as York took an unsteady step toward him. "And...and I meant it, Wash..."

Wash drew in a messy sniffle and then placed a hand against York's chest before he could wrap him in another tight hug, his slender arm enough to make the hulking mass of chupa halt and quiver before him. "Then...then act like it, York," he whispered, eyes searching his friend's face desperately. "Because I don't want love to hurt like this. I don't even know what love is supposed to feel like, I've...never..." He stared at York's key through his tears before shaking his head numbly. "If this is what it feels like, then I don't want it. I don't want it to mean that every moment that passes is another moment you might decide you want to sacrifice yourself for me."

York slowly lowered his arms and the sound that came from his muzzle ached, ramming into the depths of Wash's soul. "What do you want me to say, man? That...that I won't do whatever I can do to protect you? Because..." He sighed heavily and the tears were replaced with raw anguish as Wash looked up at him again. "Like you said, we're...partners. And that's what we've always done." Wash opened his muzzle to reply, but York reached down to grasp into both his shoulders as his massive frame seemed to crumple inward a bit. "No, I get it. I do. But it doesn't make me feel any better when I see you trying to do all this on your own, never asking for help, always two seconds away from racing off to do something without me or CT or anyone else to give you a hand. Goddammit, Wash..." York closed his eyes and dropped his head against the wall behind them, his enormous body arching over him yet never threatening him, never smothering him. "This...this role you've put on yourself, leading this resistance, trying to plan out a way to kill God himself...it's wearing you down, I can see it. Every time I think you and I have found a little something to hold onto, reality comes back the next day and all I see is you, barely sleeping, barely eating, barely smiling, barely living..."

Wash swallowed again as his arms hung by his side. York's barrel-like chest was right in front of him, but he felt miles away, a mirage of warmth he was afraid he could never truly touch. The truth hurt, and what hurt even more was the fact that he knew what made him smile, more than anything else. This blurred visage before him, so far out of reach; his one true source of happiness these past years, the untouchable bastion of warmth that constantly hovered just out of arm's length, always inches from his fingers.

But then he raised a hand slowly and pressed it gently into York's side. It was real...York was real, as real as the heaving breaths he felt beneath his palm. He closed his eyes tightly as he tried to draw as much strength as he could from his precious wellspring of a partner. "I never asked for this. I...I never wanted to lead these people. It never should have been me, this...whole thing, it wasn't even my idea, it was Connie's, she should have been the one, not me..."

Another bone-rattling sigh before York leaned back and then squeezed into Wash's shoulders. "I'm not blaming you. Lord knows there was no other choice -- Connie couldn't do it, she was laid out, and...we all know I would have been worse in every way." Their eyes met, even if Wash forced himself to look down shamefully upon seeing the scars again. "I'm not even saying you shouldn't -- you're good at this, you are." Wash scoffed but York shook him firmly, surprising him into staring up at him once more. "I mean that. You're the best leader we could have now, because of how you do things. Your way of handling it. It's...it's like the old man said." Wash grit his teeth, hating already that he knew what was coming...regardless of its truth. "We're all gonna do things differently...we just have to work together."

Wash exhaled harshly and but let his other hand rest on York's chest all the same. "Yeah, but then that fucking asshole went and got gunned down along with all his recruits in the middle of nowhere, so...forgive me if I don't think of his advice very often." He lowered his head again, only to blink as a massive hand gently gripped into his muzzle and tilted it back up.

"All you have to do is ask us for help. That's all I'm saying, Wash. Ask us and...and accept it, too. From me, from CT...yeah, even from Nelson." Wash grimaced but York kept his maw lifted as their gazes remained joined. "You don't want me to go off and die for you...but I don't want you to go kill yourself for me, for all of us, either. Because you're right -- we are partners. And I don't wanna finish this fight without you..."

Wash's heart cried out desperately and a tremor ran through him again. He shook his head and then raised a hand to hesitantly trace the pink flesh that danced across York's pale eye. "You...you big, dumb lap dog," he murmured with a shaky sigh. "You make me scared and yet...you make me...you..." He trailed off for a few seconds, his thumb gingerly brushing beneath the damaged organ before he wilted a bit. "You make me want more of...of whatever this is. And it feels like the worst possible time to feel...whatever this is."

York gave a short, honest laugh before simply dropping onto the floor of the truck, pulling Wash down with him. Wash panicked briefly, a mix of old instincts and concern for his companion widening his eyes. But York only nuzzled the top of his head and hugged him tightly again. "You're not wrong, pal," he replied softly. "But we're here now. And...and I don't want this to be a crutch. I want to do this for you." Wash stiffened up and York pulled him closer, continuing before the outburst could unfold. "For us. We've been doing this for a long time, and even if we're trying to save the goddamn world, I gotta be honest -- I really just want to see a new tomorrow with you."

Wash shuddered, the emotions overwhelming him as he pushed his head into York's breast and let the course, dirty fur absorb his tears. He wrapped his arms around York's neck and pressed close as a huge but gentle hand rubbed along the small of his back. "It just isn't fair. You know I can't...you know I have to focus and...you won't get the attention you deserve..."

York uttered a wet chortle above him, his muzzle burying into his messy mane. "Aw, pine cone...c'mon. I'm not asking you to stop the world for me. I just told you you're the leader we need now -- might be a stupid puppy but I'm not gonna expect you to set aside this revolution for me." He pulled back slightly and Wash glanced up as their muzzles met end-to-end. "I'm only asking you to try and...and have a personal stake in things for once. Stop doing this just for the mission and...and give yourself something to fight for, because I promise you that every one of us...me, CT, Sammy, even Nelson...none of us are doing this just to save Sirca. You won't be alone."

Wash wasn't sure he believed it, but he wanted to. He drew in another jagged breath as his fingers clutched into the back of York's neck. "I've never done this just for the mission," he whispered even as he moved one hand around to stroke beneath York's injury again. "You guys are...you're my friends, you're my family. But you know how hard it is for me to...to..."

"I do," York answered quietly, pushing his head into his friend's fingers. "No one's asking you to change who you are. We just want you to stop trying to do this by yourself. Yeah, I know -- you're asking Nelson's people for help, but you know what I mean. We're all here with you. And I know I'd rather be at your side when this shit goes down, instead of always having to run after you."

Wash laughed, faintly but genuinely. He studied York's face and then glanced aside for a moment. "I do want that too, York. I really do. I'm just...I'm just scared. I don't know if I can do what I need to do if I'm thinking of you. If either of us locks up because of this and...then..."

York leaned down to nuzzle his neck and Wash closed his eyes, clinging harder to his partner and pushing his maw against his cheek. "I know, buddy. We're all scared. But I would rather fight thinking of you, because you keep all the darkness and all the fear away. You're the reason I'm here at all, and I'll be damned if I don't have you in my thoughts every last step of the way."

The mere mention of 'last step' was a quiet jab to Wash's gut, but he knew his friend wasn't being fatalistic. It was just how he'd trained himself to think. Wash did his best to gather himself as he nodded once. "I...I want to think of you too, York. Sometimes it feels like even...even if we manage to pull this off, it won't matter if you're not there." York's arms tightened and Wash knew the implications hurt his partner, but...goddammit, he refused to accept York's drive to do anything for him, no matter the consequences. If that meant he had to push a little guilt, he surely wasn't above that. York was worth it. "Please remember that. Please."

York exhaled slowly but eventually nodded back as he kissed Wash's neck and then leaned away so they could gaze at each other again. "I hear you, little buddy." He wrapped both arms around Wash's waist, then smiled a bit. "How bad is it?"

Wash laughed a bit as he rubbed a thumb tenderly around his scarred temple. "It's not too terrible." He managed a real smile and bumped his muzzle briefly against York's. "Maybe a little creepy. Might make you wear a paper bag next time we're in the bedroom."

York blinked, a look of genuine surprise bursting across his features. He guffawed and then squeezed his hands into Wash's hips. "Oh wow, okay, say it like it is, pine cone!" Wash still felt guilty, but it was hard to not take solace in his friend's joviality, no matter how forced it might have been. That was just...York. "Heh. Hey, if we kick Omega's ass, there should be enough loot that we can get me a nice glass eye, how 'bout that?"

Wash smiled faintly as he gazed up at York and then caressed through his mane. "I guess as long as you don't get something all pink and purple and decorated with sparkles."

"Aw, man. You're taking all the fun outta this, buddy."

Wash chuckled and let his head drop down against York's collarbone. "That's what I do." He took a slow breath in. Something had been on his mind and he knew it likely would have been better to keep it in, but. "You...you know that..." He grimaced and then mumbled: "You know that Tex probably left on her own because she knew what would happen if we went...right?"

All it took was her name for York to stiffen around him, but he eventually sighed and loosened again, pulling Wash a bit closer. "I'm not about to give her that much credit," York grumbled, the bitterness not quite masked as well as it normally would have been. Wash shifted a bit, but let it linger. He supposed York was owed an ounce of vitriol or two after everything. "But. I'm not saying you're wrong, either," he carefully admitted. "I just...it's hard to believe that if she did have that in mind, you...you know it wasn't out of any need to protect us. It was to make sure we didn't get in her way."

Wash sighed but let himself remain safely cocooned in his companion's embrace. "That isn't fair, York. Just because Tex is...Tex, it doesn't mean she doesn't care. About us, or...even about me."

He could feel York swallow and he almost grimaced with how much the burly arms flexed around him. "I'm...I'm not mad that you care about her. I'm not. You know it doesn't bother me, what you two do. It just bothers me how she treats you, how...how she uses you."

The knee-jerk reaction to bite back was powerful, but Wash was proud of himself for reining it in. He looked off to the side while he felt the key tickling his jaw. "I. I know it does." His companion seemed surprised as the embrace loosened a bit and they glanced at one another before Wash settled against his chest again and closed his eyes. "I want you to know, that...that even if we have to go after her, it isn't personal for me." He paused. It was a lie he didn't want to give, not this time. He inhaled quietly, then added: "Not...not entirely personal."

"Wash...I understand, but--"

"N-No, listen. Please. Let me finish." He was soft, but insistent, and York's maw closed as he hugged him close again. "You told me once that our hearts, our feelings...they aren't easy things. They aren't logical or sensible and...god, you've proven that to me, more than she has. So...I know what I feel isn't just some...some dumb schoolyard crush because the most popular girl finally talked to me." He slid a hand up to rub slowly over York's masculine chest. "Not anymore. But I do still care. And you know wherever she's going, we...we have to go, too. But it won't be because I'm chasing her. It's bigger than that, now. You need to understand that, because this...this frustration you have about her and me, it hurts me."

York bowed his head atop Wash's while his tail silently wrapped around to encircle their waists. "It hurts me, too, thinking of how things have been...but." He sighed and squeezed Wash again. "But I told you once I trusted you, little buddy. And I still do. Even with this. And just like I told you I'd be there, when everything settles, when she's..." He hesitated and then nuzzled along the top of his skull. "You know I'm not going anywhere. I'm gonna be right here."

Wash wrapped his arm around York's neck again, the other hand gripping into the key between them. "Thank you, York. That's...that's the only place I want you to be." He nuzzled into his neck and closed his eyes tightly. "No matter what happens, I want you here. Sometimes it feels like the only reason I have to keep trying so hard is because you're...here. Right here, pushing me, helping me, reminding me of what's worth continuing on with this...this whole thing."

"Aw, pine cone..." York ran a finger down his spine and Wash arched into him, craving the endless depths of his friend's presence. "You know there's nowhere else I wanna be. You brought me out of where I was falling. I'm not going anywhere."

"Good," Wash whispered, resting his head against York's chest and giving into the comfort entirely. It was the first time that day he felt he could truly relax...and he figured it would probably be the last. Worth making the most of it.

Red vs Blue © Rooster Teeth. Halo © 343 Industries. Concept by Myshu, assisted by The Department of Chupapology.